LEAKED: Trump's Cabinet Longlist

Somehow it could’ve been worse.

Nov 19, 2024

Well, folks! We now know who will comprise the inner circle of ~~pathological liar~~ ~~convicted felon~~ ~~failed steak salesman~~ President Elect (brb vomiting) Donald J. Trump (still vomiting).

At a time like this, when the world feels like it’s teetering on a tightrope suspended between two ice sculptures over a lake of flaming diarrhea, we need public servants we can trust. I know what you’re thinking: But this cabinet is two rapists away from an Ivy League lacrosse championship! Some say the horrors keep rolling in with every new political appointment. But I’m here with good news: my sources inside Washington1 have told me who the runners-up were for each of these key positions, and as wild as this sounds, it actually could’ve been worse.

DEPARTMENT OF GOVERNMENT EFFICIENCY

Final Choice:
- Elon Musk & Vivek Ramaswamy
Runners Up:
- Gloppy the Molasses Swamp Monster from Candyland
- A hi-tech Japanese toilet
- Clippy the Paperclip

Oh, Elon, you mid-transformation Animorph. If “god complex" had a face, and that face was busted, it would be yours. This job is actually perfect for the man who was able to evacuate Twitter’s financial value simply by purchasing it. Now that’s efficient!

But it’s nothing compared to co-chair and pharma-bro Vivek Ramaswamy, who is so efficient that he pledges to shut down his own department within 2 years. Big promises? Or simply a refusal to spend that much time around Elon Musk? Personally, I think the man just wants to make quick work of things so he can get back to doing what he loves: up-charging your Nana for her insulin.

ATTORNEY GENERAL

Final Choice:
- Matt Gaetz
Runners Up:
- A West Wing Season 6 DVD Box Set
- Voldemort in weird half-baby form
- A mesh bag of spoiled salmon

Matt “listens to P. Diddy even more now” Gaetz is slated to serve as chief law enforcement officer in the country. That’s right, Gropey Gaetz, with his Rohypnol eyes and wannabe Johnny Bravo hair, is the law of the land. Can’t trust him with the babysitter, but let’s go ahead and trust him with America’s entire criminal justice system. Gaetz has already vowed to enact sweeping changes within the Department of Justice, like making the minimum drinking age 17 and the maximum hiring age 17.

HEALTH AND HUMAN SERVICES SECRETARY

Final Choice:
- Robert F. Kennedy Jr.
Runners Up:
- Charlie Sheen hopped up on tiger’s blood
- The Covid Bat
- A different dead bear than the one RFK dumped in Central Park

So it turns out you do need half a brain to serve on Trump’s cabinet; you just don’t need a whole one! That’s excellent news for the man about to be in charge of public health since a parasitic worm literally ate some of his. Some may find it unhinged to put a long-time heroin addict and anti-vaxxer suffering from chronic brain fog in the driver’s seat of America’s medical future. But I think it’s fun and creative! Like putting great white sharks in charge of seal conservation.

SECRETARY OF STATE

Final Choice:
- Marco Rubio
Runners Up:
- The McDonald’s app
- Henry Kissinger (deceased)
- A LEGO man that Donald Trump thought was Marco Rubio

Up until now, Marco Rubio’s only experience with foreign affairs was catching his wife screwing her Italian spin instructor Federico. But don’t sleep on Rubio! He can do it all: be alive, deny climate change, and have snap-on LEGO hair.

HOMELAND SECURITY ADVISER

Final Choice:
- Stephen Miller
Runners Up:
- The lady who biffed that Jesus painting restoration
- A box of illegal fireworks
- Every contestant on the early 2000s dating reality series ROOM RAIDERS

I’ve got a lot of questions for Stephen “Somehow a Jewish Hitler” Miller, like “Why is your face so punchable?” and “Is Squidward your dad?” But even I can acknowledge that Miller’s appointment as Homeland Security Advisor marks huge progress for representation: he will be the first evil hot dog to serve at the federal level. Stephen Miller is so unbearable that even his own hairline can’t stand to be near him. This guy’s supposed to keep our nation safe? From what -- eating spicy foods?

U.S. AMBASSADOR TO ISRAEL

Final Choice:
- Mike Huckabee
Runners Up:
- Mel Gibson
- The Hawk Tuah Girl
- A talking parrot that only knows how to say “surf’s up”

The Israel guy being an evangelical Christian who called legalized abortion “a holocaust” wasn’t on my bingo card. But neither was the fall of democracy—and here we are! Mike Huckabee isn’t so much a politician as he is the child of a three-way between Bing Bong from Inside Out, a honey-baked ham, and a racist mall Santa. Huckabee’s hard-line Zionist beliefs do not bode well for Palestinians—or whatever we’re about to be legally mandated to call them, since Huckabee claims, “there’s really no such thing as a Palestinian.” Oy. One thing’s for sure: we’re all about to be absolutely Hucked.

It’s important, in these dark times, to stay optimistic where we can. Sure, things are mind-numbingly horrific, but they could’ve been worse! Just think—we could’ve had a qualified woman for President!

Update: the Christmas fridge magnets are in.

And they’re spectacular. We’re giving away ten of these magnets to paid subscribers. Upgrade to a paid subscription before November 30th, you’ll be entered into the raffle to win one.