LEAKED: Proposed Trump-Harvard Settlement Terms
America's oldest university versus its most litigious president.
New writer alert! Ethan Loewi is a writer from Portland, Oregon currently living in Boston. His work has appeared in Narrative, the Harvard Review, and Ploughshares.
Over the past six months, the Trump administration has cut around $3.2 billion in grants to Harvard University. These actions came after the university refused the president’s demands to end its diversity programs, implement “a comprehensive mask ban,” and more.
Now, Chortle’s White House insider1 tells us that following months of negotiation, government lawyers have proposed that Harvard agree to the following settlement terms in order to end their funding freeze.
Every minute of humanities classes spent discussing a minority author must be immediately followed by a minute discussing an author of equivalent whiteness.
Department of Women, Gender, and Sexuality must appoint at least three tenured professors of Dude Studies.
Harvard must vacate its seven football “national championships,” because nobody cares who the best team was in 1812 or whatever and there were only six other schools.
Woke physics department must be disciplined for teaching that quantum objects can be observed as either a particle or a wave depending on experiment conditions. Harvard will no longer indoctrinate students with this theory of genderfluid photons.
Statue of John Harvard shall be replaced with statue of President Trump hitting John Harvard with the People’s Elbow, signature finishing move of Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.
Professor of English Homi K. Bhaba must retract his spurious theories on the concept of mimicry in postcolonial discourse, and admit that his scholarship adds nothing to the foundational work of Edward Said and Mikhail Bakhtin.
A fine of $500 million must be paid to the government to ensure nothing bad happens to Harvard in the future. We wouldn’t want any problems to come up, would we?
Rudolph Giuliani shall be given lifetime appointment as head coach of women’s volleyball.
All alumni shall be prohibited from mentioning their alma mater unless explicitly asked. (This rule may not be skirted by saying that they “went to school in Boston.”)
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