Largemouth Bass Are Destroying America

An op-ed by a bird named Stephen Miller

Stephen Miller is a Senior Policy Advisor to the President and a Great Blue Heron.

While coastal flora and fauna elites continue to ignore the empirical reality staring them in the face, I am compelled to address what any serious analysis reveals to be an existential threat to our wetland ecosystems: the unprecedented proliferation of largemouth bass plaguing American waters.

Let me be clear. This is not about personal opinion. My policy recommendations are driven solely by a commitment to preserving the natural order that has sustained our way of life for centuries. The fact that I personally hunger for fish in a way that borders on psychosis is entirely irrelevant to this discussion.

Recent studies conducted by the Heron-tage Foundation reveal alarming trends. Largemouth bass are 300% more likely to commit violent crimes than law-abiding minnows. Most disturbing of all, they show zero interest in integrating with native wading bird culture, preferring instead to reject our ecosystem's time-honored traditions, such as getting swallowed by a heron like myself.

Additionally, the bass reproduction crisis cannot be overstated. Largemouth bass breed with reckless abandon, showing callous disregard for resource allocation and habitat preservation. Any honest observer—standing motionless in shallow water for extended periods, as I often do for purely research purposes—can witness this demographic catastrophe firsthand.

Critics will predictably smear these findings as “bigoted” or claim I have ulterior motives. This is the desperate rhetoric of those who refuse to confront hard truths. Yes, I have observed bass behavior extensively from strategic vantage points near spawning grounds. Yes, I have conducted numerous field studies involving the rapid digestion of bass specimens. However, my innate desire to exterminate largemouth bass is completely unrelated to the underlying facts.

The choice before us is simple: We can continue enabling this aquatic invasion, or we can implement the common-sense solutions that any six-foot-tall waterbird with keen eyesight and lightning-fast reflexes would obviously support.

If we don’t take decisive action that coincidentally involves activities I was already planning to do anyway, our wetlands will collapse. As a large wading bird whose very existence depends on the systematic elimination of fish, I know which side I'm on.

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