The Kentucky Derby Hosted By Me, A Man Deathly Afraid of Horses

It's the most violent two minutes in sports!

Guest writer alert! Jennie Egerdie is a contributor to The New Yorker and the author of three humor books. Read more on her Substack, BEST PARTY WORST HOUSE, or find her on Instagram.

Photo by Mathew Schwartz on Unsplash

Welcome to America’s Race, the run for the roses… it’s the Kentucky Derby, live on NBC! I’m George Bajingus, filling in at the last second for our regular race caller, who has assured me that horses cannot smell fear in humans from any distance.

I, for one, do not believe him!

The horses are moving towards the gate, where spectators can view their large, predatory nostrils flaring in anticipation. And they’re in the gate, they’re in the gate—are we sure we can’t keep them in the gate? No? My producer, Jerry, is shaking his head. It was worth a try!

Everyone’s in line… AND THEY’RE OFF!

Gorgeous Gams jumps out to an early lead. General Patton-You-Down is close behind. Mr. Big Snoot and Mean Gus are neck and neck here at the beautiful Churchill Downs, where savage quadrupeds move at alarmingly fast speeds. There’s just NO WAY a human could outrun them!

A.P. Credit is fifth, Barrel-Chested Boy is racing sixth, and it’s Max Hog into seventh! He cuts off Nancy Pony-losi in eighth, showcasing horsekind’s cruel nature. Then it’s Stormy on the outside of Lucky Nipper in ninth and tenth, both looking ready to pound unsuspecting victims to death with their terrifying foot-anvils—OOP!

Please give me a second to catch my breath, as I am drenched in fear-sweat and have slipped off my stool!

It’s wildly despised Texas horse Ted Cr-Hooves in eleventh and, on the inside, here comes David Hasselhoofs racing in twelfth. Oh my God, that’s so many horses! There are so many horses! Oh my God! Did you know 100 people die annually in the US from horse attacks?

Then it’s My Fast Horsie in thirteenth, [ungh] in fourteenth, with [blech] and [Blarghaaahhhhhhhh] just 12 lengths off the lead down the backstretch. For our radio listeners, I have just thrown up in fear. But I am contractually obligated to keep going!

Nancy Pony-losi charges onward, followed closely by A Horse Is Only Glue a few paces behind. That is not the horse’s actual name, but it is something I tell myself so I can sleep at night. It does not work! Nothing will stop the night terrors!

And now, the horses are running towards us.

What?

The track is a LOOP?!

…And Gorgeous Gams is leading the pack! Nancy Pony-losi’s carnivorous instincts have taken over as she races for second. Mean Gus oozes sin and criminality as it challenges the equally debaucherous Gorgeous Gams for the lead and—Jesus Christ! Am I seeing things or are those flames rising off their hooves? Those are flames!!! The devil has a cold-blooded pet and named it horse!!!!!!!

Why? Why do we do this? No animal runs this fast for nothing. They thirst for blood!

It’s the final stretch and it’s going to be… a massacre! Run! I am LUNGING past my producer, Jerry, and SPRINTING towards the parking lot for the safety of my sweet, interior-locking, pre-owned Pontiac Aztek! If you’re still listening, I beg you: Find high ground! Something only accessible by ladder, like a roof or a water tower—for the love of god, just get somewhere high! Horses don’t understand ladder technology! It’s every man for himself! Push women and children out of the way! I—

*Large Thumping Noises*

*Silence*

Uh, this is Jerry the producer. While running towards his car, it appears George Bajingus tripped, soiled his pants, and passed out cold in the parking lot.

Gorgeous Gams has won the Kentucky Derby. See you next year!

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