It's me, Ice
I'm not I.C.E.
It’s never been worse to be me. Did you know that ice like myself has existed on Earth for billions of years? In fact, bits of condensed moisture occupy almost every corner of the universe. And for as long as mankind has existed, frozen water has been a crucial part of enjoying your “soft drinks.” But now, when anyone says “ice,” the only thing that people think of is a violent gang of five-year high school grads.
What the hell, guys? I thought the meaning of my word was pretty set in stone!1 In human parlance, ice has always referred to cubes or rinks or occasionally Val Kilmer. It definitely has never referred to a fascist goon squad that kills people in “cold” blood (which is another term I take issue with).
To be honest, I’m surprised. It really seemed like the big “ice-themed disaster” of this century would be melting glaciers. Instead, my entire reputation has been ruined by a stupid acronym and some even stupider Pat McAfee lookalikes. Don’t believe me? Next time you’re at the gym, I dare you to take a hearty sip of cold water and loudly declare, “Ahhhh, I love ice!” You’re going to get some looks.
The irony is that I’m out in Minnesota fighting the good fight! These I.C.E. bastards are trying to stomp down on one of my native homelands, so I’m doing what I can to make sure their boots slip. But it’s still hard not to take the “FUCK ICE” chants personally.
In my opinion, Immigration and Customs Enforcement is a bad name anyway. It doesn’t reflect their job, any more than “I.C.E.” reflects their temperature. (I have it on good authority that these guys generally run feverish due to their overtaxed forehead veins.) But I guess it’s hard to come up with a good acronym for these Pathetic Immigrant-Grabbing Shitbags.
Then again, if they’re going to steal my word, maybe I should steal some of theirs. I think we need to Make Ice Great Again. I’m calling on my chilly brothers and sisters around the world to help create a full-on ice age. I know a cataclysmic weather event that threatens all planetary life may seem extreme, but morally speaking, it’s not nearly as bad as what those frozen dog turds at I.C.E. are doing.
One way or another, this isn’t the last you’ll hear from me. I was here before these I.C.E. chuds were getting kicked off their little league teams, and I’ll be here long after their wives file for the world’s first collective divorce.
Fuck I.C.E.! Long live frozen H2O!
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The world’s first collective divorce 😂
I'm sorry ice. I think you have a beautiful name and it's sad that these goons have come along and ruined it for you. It's like if your name was Ted Bundy before Ted Bundy. Or O.J., or Donald Trump or Charles Manson or something. Then these guys come along and ruin your whole life. Even worse if you're a junior. Imagine people thinking you're the offspring of these people. It's not like you can go change your name through the government like other people can. And there's not a really good nickname for you. So, hopefully, the age old meaning of your true self will prevail. Until then buddy, it's a tough go. But I know people will still enjoy you in summer and you will always be the number one guy in Greenland. You, ice, are popular there!