I need to get something off my breast, America. I never asked to be your national bird. And I'm starting to think this whole arrangement isn't working out for either of us.
Don't get me wrong, humans have accomplished some impressive things during your time on this continent. (The amount of mice you attract is genuinely astounding.) But all in all, it seems like the whole “American experiment” has gone to shit over the last few months, so I’d prefer you stop sullying my good name along with it.
Let’s be real. I spend my days gutting fish and pooping constantly, and even I think American politics is gross. In fact, I’m still confused as to how I became a symbol of democracy in the first place. Apparently it’s because your founding fathers admired the strength and long lifespan of eagles, but those aren’t exactly traits I’d associate with American government right at the moment.
Eagles have no laws! Not even a Constitution that our court system chooses to ignore. The whole “symbol” idea is a stretch, is what I’m saying. I mean, I'm supposed to represent freedom, but have you seen what's happened to my habitat? There used to be nothing but wilderness from here to the horizon. Now the only place I can nest is on top of something called “Dave & Buster’s.”
American understanding of my species is embarrassingly shallow. I bet you think I make an impressive screeching sound. Nope. In reality, I sound more like squeaky brakes. That majestic caw noise you imagine I make is actually the sound of a red-tailed hawk. (Your public education system needs a lot of work. And this is coming from a bird who was home-schooled.)
Look, I understand symbols are important to humans. You need something to put on your coins and sports logos. But maybe—and I'm just spitballing here—you could try using a person as a national symbol? It could be “someone getting mad at their phone while gambling on football” or something. That seems like a much more fitting representation of America than “an endangered apex predator.”
(Actually, when I put it that way, I see the resemblance.)
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MORE IT’S ME
It's Me, Canada
Hello there, World. It's your stable buddy Canada, here. And guess what? We just elected a completely sane guy. Score one for the Great White North, baby!
It's Me, a Microplastic in Your Brain
Microplastics like me are getting a lot of bad press lately. But have you ever stopped to look at things from my perspective? I mean, I could’ve ended up anywhere: part of a shimmering ocean, swallowed by a beautiful tortoise, inhaled by a singer on a semi-luxury cruise ship for elderly people. But instead, I’m here. Stuck in your brain.
Maybe it's time to start auditioning other birds for the job. Maybe the turkey? That was Benjamin Franklin's preference.
I want to personally apologize bald eagle. Yeah, you and your brethren don't really get to vote on whether you want to continue representing us or how we treat you and the wildlife areas you live in. Or even that we totally recognize you as you. We should probably just choose what our leader represents, uneducated, paranoid, narcissistic, 5 year old bully. But that's rude to 5 year olds. Sigh.