It's me, the Boogeyman
Please accept my formal resignation.
The Boogeyman
Department of Human Fears
Head, Under-the-Bed Division
October 16, 2024
Human Resources Department
The Human Race
Earth
To Whom It May Concern and/or Frighten:
After careful consideration, I must tender my formal resignation. For centuries, I have faithfully executed my responsibilities—specifically the promotion and maintenance of fear in children and, occasionally, very immature adults. My work has been rooted in the simple joy of trick shadows, strange bumps in the night, and the uncertainty of what might be hiding in your closet. However, in recent years, I’ve found my role increasingly redundant.
Quite frankly, humanity has become proficient at scaring itself. You no longer require a shadowy figure lurking in the dark, because of the very real terrifying scenarios you create every single day. This shift has made it increasingly difficult for me to meet my performance targets. Indeed, widespread fears about economic instability, climate catastrophe, and technological dystopia have far surpassed the more traditional forms of fear (i.e. spooky moaning) that I once cultivated with pride.
Furthermore, I have been repeatedly asked to take on responsibilities that fall well outside my original job description. While I am more than capable of causing a child to scream after seeing a coat hanging in a dark room, I am not equipped to explain what’s scary about microplastics or a politicized Supreme Court.
In light of this, I strongly recommend that the Department of Human Fears undergo a thorough restructuring to align with the realities of the modern world. The division between classic fears (monsters, ghosts, eerie whispers in the wind) and more contemporary horrors (social media, late-stage capitalism, Hawk Tuah Girl) must be formalized if you expect any future success in this field.
In the interest of a smooth transition, I am willing to train La Chupacabra as my replacement. Though its experience primarily lies in livestock-based terror, I believe its skills can be adapted to handle many of my responsibilities, particularly in rural areas.
In closing, I want to thank the human race for centuries of productive partnership in fear. The world is now a scarier place than I could ever have imagined—and that’s saying something. Though I leave with a heavy heart, I’m eager to explore my passion for gardening and spend more time with my wife, Baba Yaga.
I’m confident that humanity will remain terrified for many years in the future.
Sincerely,
The Boogeyman
P.S. Please forward any work-related correspondence to my new employers: Fox News Channel, 1211 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10036.
I was on a podcast!
My old pal
recently welcomed me as a guest for his news-y podcast, Let’s Process This!Chris, standup comic Natasha Vaynblat, and I broke down two trends from right now and reflected on two stories from six months ago. It was very fun! Listen to the episode below or find Let’s Process This in your podcasting app.
back in MY day we were scared of satanic rock music and marijuana induced mania! those were good ol’ american fears!
Good for him and honestly I’m thrilled about chupacabra’s candidacy (and would also encourage la llorona to throw her hat in the ring) #representationmatters