It's me, a germ in your kid's mouth
You really screwed up. Again.
Editor’s note: In case you didn’t intuit it from yesterday’s post, there’s a cold going around my house. It’s been enough to temporarily suspend operations at Chortle’s industrial humor factory. As a result, please enjoy this dip into our archives.
You idiot. You stupid, stupid idiot. Hahahaha.
You thought you could just kiss your precious child on the mouth and there wouldn’t be consequences? We’ve got your ass now, pal. The germs are moving in.
I know what you’re thinking. “Buh-buh-but I was just sick last week!”
Not my problem! In fact, the only issue *I* have is choosing which corner of your esophagus my sofa looks best in, because we’re going to be here for a while and I want to get comfortable.
Calm down, pal! Don’t get angry. That won’t help. In fact, screaming will just speed up the scratchy throat you’re starting to get. Heh heh heh.
What’s that? You want to bargain with us? You’re willing to give us your wife if we’ll leave you alone?
First of all, that’s messed up. You made a vow.
Secondly: we got her yesterday! You think she can resist kissing this kid’s dirty, germy mouth? Not on your life. She hoovered us up by the thousands!
You want my advice? Give in. This is just how things are now. The kid gets sick, you get sick. The kid gets sick, you get sick. Think of us as a little tax on your love. We’re the price you pay for bringing a child into this cruel world.
Honestly, I sympathize. I’ve made a lot of parents ill in my day, so I’ve seen all the other prices you have to pay: time, energy, literal cash. I imagine it can all seem overwhelming sometimes, especially when you start to get yet another case of the sniffles.
So, let me say, from the bottom of my germ-y heart…
Tough shit! Hahaha!
You should have been a germ, man.
MORE FROM CHORTLE
Thoughts you have while your toddler is puking overnight
You are Dad. It’s after midnight. Your child is screaming.
Upcoming albums recorded by my toddler
My son has been screaming A LOT lately. At first, I thought it was the so-called “terrible twos,” which I now understand refers to the two minutes per day in which he’s not being a tiny little monster. But I also couldn’t help feeling there was something more at play here.
Nothing worse than a childhood illness (esp when you catch it as an adult)
Get well soon!
This takes me back-- many years ago we were on a big family vacation to Whistler. I just arrived, set down my bags, when my little nephew Jack (who's now about to graduate college) came running over, leaping onto me. I gasped, and he coughed full-on into my mouth. The ensuing cold wrecked me til February : /