Supreme Court Rules 6-3 in "United States v. Constitutional Norms"

Landmark ruling replaces established law with Conservative Vibes.

WASHINGTON — In a sweeping 6-3 decision, the Supreme Court ruled Monday that interpretation of federal laws should be guided primarily by “the prevailing constitutional vibe.”

Writing for the majority in United States v. Constitutional Norms, Chief Justice John Roberts explained that the Founding Fathers intended for laws to be applied based on “whether they feel right in the moment, given current political winds.” Roberts emphasized that this approach represents “true originalism,” in that the Constitution “has always been more of a suggestion than a legal document.”

Multiple judicial scholars called the decision “completely unsurprising at this point.”

The ruling establishes what the majority calls the Roberts Standard, described as follows: “When determining whether a government action is constitutional, courts should ask themselves: 'Does this feel OK to me, a reasonable (and handsome) conservative jurist?’ If so, it's probably constitutional.”

The Court went on to list several examples of activities that are technically crimes, but are nevertheless“OK for now” because of their “positive aura.” These include drunk driving, most types of embezzlement, and illegally mobilizing troops. In contrast, formerly legal behaviors that can now be prosecuted include protesting, recycling, and being a university.

Justice Samuel Alito's concurrence emphasized that this approach “simply recognizes what we've been doing anyway,” and adds that the new standard “makes everything much simpler for everyone, especially me.”

Justice Sonia Sotomayor's dissent was brief: “WHAT??????!??!!!?”

Roberts emphasized that Americans shouldn't worry about the new standard because “if you're doing what we want, you (probably) won't go to jail.” The Chief Justice concluded: “Constitutional violations are like obscenity: you know them when you see them.”

“We'll let you know what we're seeing.”

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