An Itemized Guide To Youth Soccer Fees

The girls of Borussia Glen Point SC need your help!

New writer alert! Dylan Fugel has written comedy that has been praised by reputable publications and at least two dogs. He is/was a UCB Maude writer, a Story Pirate, and a long-suffering Knicks fan. Check out his stuff with Young Douglas, Shiners, and more, if you even care!!!

Photo by My Profit Tutor on Unsplash

Dear Parents,

We’ve had a lot of complaints that the fees needed for your daughter to be a member of this year’s Borussia Glen Point SC team are “exorbitant,” “excessive,” and “more than I paid for college.” We assure you that, although the team currently sports a record of 2 wins, 3 draws, and 5 losses, your financial contributions are crucial to establishing a winning culture among our players.

To help alleviate any concerns you may have, please see an itemized breakdown of this year’s fees below.

TRAVEL

• $200: Bus Rental
  Divided up per player, this will cover all travel for the upcoming season. As a reminder to parents, you cannot pay more to secure your child a seat at the back of the bus with the “non-losers.”

• $500: Party Bus Rental
  On the rare occasions when we win a game, management likes to make sure our players are treated well.

• $100: Party Bus Driver Tip
  High Voltage Party Bus Rentals and Electricians are a long-standing travel partner of Borussia Glen Point, and as such, we treat all their employees with courtesy and respect.

• $100: Concierge Fee
  On journeys to faraway locales such as Toms River, NJ, and Fair Lawn, NJ, we want to make sure players experience everything the town has to offer. Without the help of local concierges, we would not know which Applebee’s is the most likely to have an open table at 7pm on a Friday.

CLOTHING AND APPAREL

• $80: Shorts
  x2 for games, x2 for training

• $100: Hats
  x2 customized Supreme snapbacks that say “New Jersey Division III South Participants”

• $400: Shirts
  You might think this is expensive, but due to the amount of shirt-pulling in soccer, players must be in possession of at least fifteen shirts.

• $2500: HiPwr Performance Training Vest w/ Built-In Vital Diagnostics
  HiPwr’s athletic gear ensures our team is on the leading edge of kinesthetic development. (We also ask that parents tell their players to stop calling it “the sports bra that Coach makes us wear.”)

TRAINING

• $10: Balls

• $10: Poles

• $20: Cones

Costs for the above are distributed equally among all members of the team—myself included! Borussia Glen Point plays fair in all aspects of the game.

• $75: New Sofa for Coaches’ Lounge
  The old one was getting ratty!

• $1500: Team Nutritionist’s Salary
  Needed to maintain high dietary standards.

• $30: Mr. Beast Funtastic Protein-Packed Fruit Jerky
  After consulting with the team nutritionist, we determined that this is the only thing 14-year-olds will eat.

MISCELLANY

• $120: Elocution Lessons
  Berating referees is a crucial part of any young soccer player’s development.

• $850: Aquatics Center Rental Fee
  So is diving. As stated previously, we strive for excellence in all facets of the game.

Hopefully, this breakdown helps you understand that your contributions are needed in order to keep Borussia Glen Point SC competing at the highest level. As for why I sent this to you during halftime of a game, we are already down 5-0, so I have plenty of free time on my hands.

As always: I believe, I believe that, I believe that we will win!

(Not next game, though. We’re playing top of the league Inter Ramsey Espacio de Fútbol.)

Best,
Your Borussia Glen Point Leadership Team

---

---

MORE FROM CHORTLE