How to Answer Your Wife
Fifteen useful replies for when she asks "Notice anything different about me?"
New writer alert! Gregg Maxwell Parker is the author of four books, including the Troublemakers series. He also writes the food & culture blog, As Seen In Japan.
Are you a married man who strongly identifies with sitcom dads of the 1980s and 1990s? If so, you’re probably constantly getting yourself into hot water when you don’t detect that your wife got a haircut or has been replaced by a new actor.
Next time she asks if you “notice anything different” about her, just consult this helpful list of answers.
Who are you? Oh no! I've got amnesia! We must start again from the beginning, ignoring any confusing details as to how you may have recently changed!
Of course I noticed. But the dog doesn't know. Tell him, quick, so he doesn't feel left out.
Yes, you don't have my lips attached to you! (Kiss wife, make love to wife. If she still asks questions, repeat. If she can still speak after all that love-making, you are an inferior lover.)
Is that all you can think of at a time like this? With all that's going on in the world? Stop being so selfish.
Honey, you know I don't care about a woman's appearance. That's why I never cared about all that stuff your sister says about you.
Que? No English! Nihongo wo hanashimasu! La'Afham!
What? Who's there? I've gone blind! I can't see a thing! You'll have to just tell me what's different!
I can't believe you would change something like that without consulting me first! I am outraged! Let us never speak of this again.
You've said that exact same thing every day this month. Are you okay? You'd better go lie down. But first text me what you think is different, so I can show it to the doctor.
Oh, I'm supposed to notice everything about you, but you won't even comment on how good I've been getting at Mario Kart?
Gee, I'd love to talk about it, but I have to go get my foot fixed. (Immediately shoot self in foot.)
You're not gonna tell me you're a robot, are you? Because like three people have already told me that today and I'm tired of being the guy everyone comes to with their robot stuff.
Babe, you're definitely going to believe this: I'm from the future and/or going through a Groundhog Day scenario. You shall go into the other room, wait five minutes, then come back in here. I'll be sitting on the couch, unaware of this conversation. It is vital that you not tell me what you've changed about your appearance. THE FUTURE OF HUMANITY IS AT STAKE.
Earthquaaaaake! (Run from the house, leave town, change name, live with new family in El Salvador. [If you currently live in El Salvador, change to the European version of El Salvador, which I think is Slovakia.])
I don't know, your hair or glasses or clothes or something?
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I would go with number 5, just to add some spice and start a decades-long feud with your wife's family!
For how long after love-making should my wife be unable to speak? She hasn't said a word to me in days.