For Parents Seeking Financial Compensation
Kat Mulaney will help you sue your child!
New writer alert! Lindsey Kemp goes by her maiden name when she's trying to escape the horrors of real life. She writes creative nonfiction, screenplays, and self-fulfilling prophecies involving Pedro Pascal.
Parents, are you tired of being abused?
Hi, I’m Kat Mulaney, attorney-at-law, and I’m here to get you the “mula” you deserve by suing the pee-stained pants off your clown-loving children.
Moms: Did childbirth absolutely wreck your figure? Is your current body shape best described as a rotting pumpkin instead of a juicy pear? Do you have a fanny pack of skin hanging over a c-section scar that looks like a bristled garden hose? Was your child so big at birth it feels like it would take the jaws of life to close your vagina?
Dads: Are your wives so exhausted that you have to watch the kids and do the dishes?
Sounds like MILLION DOLLAR SETTLEMENTS to me!
Did you contract a cold thanks to other parents sending their snot-dipped kids to school? I’ll sue your child, the other child, their parents, their grandparents, their great-grandparents, the school district, the county, the state, and every medical profession known to man.
I’ll sue God himself.
How, you might ask?
Don’t ask. No “hows?” or “whys?” or “huhs?” or requests to see my law license, and so God save me, do not mention the American Bar Association.
Bars are for boozers! Kat Mulaney is for YOU.
I’ll get you more than just money. I’ll win you a weekend away at a motel on the outskirts of town far enough from the sound of your child calling your name but close enough to the local hospital when your partner forgets that little Billy has a peanut allergy and takes him to that Thai restaurant you explicitly wrote on your list of instructions to not take him to.
And I don’t work alone. My team of professionals will visit your home and observe your children beating the living shit out of you with their toys, fists, and other siblings. They’ll photograph every injury, record every slight, and stifle their laughter when you fail to follow through with a consequence.
I’ve handled thousands of cases and won mostly some of them. Although I myself am childless—valuing my independence and adventurous spirit—I’ve been around friends’ and family’s children, seen children out in public, watched them on TV, read books about them, and, of course, been one myself.
Remember, we don’t get paid until you get paid. (Except for a small retainer. Not a lot. Think of it as the cost of a child’s retainer. And mouth guard. And full set of braces, plus headgear.)
So just remember, if you want “mula,” call Kat Mulaney! (Unless your child has stolen your cell phone to watch a bootleg copy of Minecraft, in which case, call the police.)
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When I get really old and fragile can I call you to sue them to come take care of me too?
Sounds promising! 🤔 Finally some revenge on the children of the corn.