Songs My Toddler Loves, Ranked by Unseemliness
An in-depth ranking that makes me question my parenting choices.
is a screenwriter, playwright, and human trampoline. She writes the Substack newsletter, .
Like most toddlers, my 3-year-old loves to listen to music in the car. But unlike everyone else his age, he doesn’t want “Baby Shark” on repeat. No, his favorite songs are the ones that I regret ever playing in his presence.
1. “Another One Bites the Dust” by Queen
My son’s absolute favourite song of all time is a little ditty about murder that American Songwriter calls “violent and intense.” A total of three people are killed in less than four minutes, with the promise of many more. Christian evangelists also accused this song of containing subliminal lyrics meant to encourage marijuana abuse. Overall, a great song for kids.
Most eyebrow-raising lyric:
You can beat him, you can cheat him, you can treat him bad,
And leave him when he's down, yeah!
2. “My Little Alien” by Kate Nash
A gorgeous song about an alien abduction. I was hoping he'd be at least four before I had to explain anal probes, but here we are.
You put a probe inside.
My heart, it flies.
You light up the sky.
Oh, you got me high.
3. “Pretty Woman” by Roy Orbison
This song is a great way to learn the ins and outs of street harassment.
Pretty woman, stop awhile.
Pretty woman, talk awhile.
Pretty woman, give your smile to me.
 | A guest post by
|