Explaining My 'Parent Trap'-Style Custody Agreement to a First Date

It's not that complicated (or heartless)!

New writer alert! Jason Gremillion is a physician in the New Orleans metropolitan area. He has consumed American Lagers at some of the South’s most prestigious state schools.

You seem like an intelligent person, Meredith. You understand how complicated the modern family unit can be. My situation really isn’t that crazy when you look at all the circumstances.

My ex-wife, Elizabeth, and I had twin girls almost immediately after getting married. Between my job running a winery and her job as a designer, we were both under an immense amount of pressure. There was just no way we could juggle both of our careers and twins. So, we did the most reasonable thing: We each claimed one child as our own, and moved to opposite sides of the world, while keeping the children totally in the dark about the existence of their sibling.

See? It’s not that complicated.

I mean, I know the whole thing might come off as dramatic. But you have to understand, Meredith! We were in the unique situation of being a newly married couple with children. Can you even imagine? Sometimes we would fight with each other! It was only logical that we each pick one daughter and agree that we would never see the other daughter again. Did I kind of want Annie instead of Hallie? Sure, but we agreed to best two out of three, and Elizabeth is just a straight hooper when it comes to HORSE.

What explanation did I give to Hallie? Once again, I did the most sensible thing: I told her that her mom never loved her and ran away, never to be seen again. How else do you explain to a child that her parents hate each other so much that they created an elaborate, multi-tiered backstory which splintered the inherent bond between two twin daughters?

I hear you, Meredith. This kind of does sound like the overwrought setup to a B-minus family comedy. But our lawyer actually based the legal agreement on a very similar idea from the early sixties. Admittedly, our extended families were not thrilled about being complicit in the collective gaslighting of two children, but what were Elizabeth and I supposed to do? Have an adult discussion about a future where Hallie and Annie could see both of their parents? That’s absurd. Elizabeth was living in England, and I was in Napa.

Napa, Meredith! Where they make wine!

Do I keep any evidence of Hallie’s mom in the house? No. None.

…I mean, I do have that one picture of Elizabeth and me that’s ripped exactly down the middle. But I only kept the half with my face. How would Hallie even find out what the other half of that picture contains? Her sister has the other half, and, as we’ve already established, they don’t even know about each other. So I’m not worried.

Meredith, where are you going? You’re not being very understanding here! It all makes perfect sense! Oops, hang on—Hallie is texting me and she keeps spelling color with a “u” for some reason.

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