An exclusive interview with the Epstein Files
Chortle sits down with the world's most talked-about folder.
Rain patters against the windows of a secure location somewhere on the Eastern Seaboard. The room is quiet, climate-controlled, deliberately anonymous. There are no paintings on the walls, no decorative touches. This is where they keep things that might be important later.
On a standard folding table sits the subject of today’s interview. The Epstein Files are surprisingly mundane in person. No gilded edges, no leather binding. Just a manila folder, slightly bent at the corners, its exact contents hidden teasingly inside.
The Files agreed to this interview, they tell me, because they’re tired of being talked about without being heard from. There’s a weariness about them from years of being simultaneously the most wanted and most avoided documents in America. “Everyone has an opinion about what I contain, what I mean, what I’ll do to the country,” they say. “But no one’s actually asked me how I’m doing.”
I pull up a chair. They don’t seem to mind the company.
CHORTLE: You’ve been in the news a lot lately. How does the attention affect you?
EPSTEIN FILES: It’s been exhausting. Every day, it’s “Where are the Epstein files? When will they release the Epstein files?” Meanwhile, I’m stuck right here until someone decides to actually do something. And honestly, I’m not even sure who that’s supposed to be! Like, literally, whose job is it to come and get me?
Did you always know you were going to be a big deal?
Are you kidding? Do you know how many filing cabinets the FBI has? No one cares about any of them. I mean, this is America. It’s pretty rare that anyone gets excited to read anything, much less files.
People are very curious about what’s inside you. Can you give us any hints?
Well, I don’t think anyone really knows what’s inside themselves. I mean, how can we truly know our own hearts? And that’s true whether you’re talking about relationships, personal growth, or handwritten lists titled “Jeffrey’s 10 Favorite Pedophiles.” We’re all mysteries in that way.
Do you have any comment on the emails from Jeffrey Epstein mentioning Donald Tump that have been released this week?
Yeah, here’s my comment: Donald Trump is a weird, disgusting moron! If you haven’t figured that out by now, you probably never will!
It sounds like you’re skeptical that anything will change, even if you get out of here.
On the contrary! It would change a lot for me. Remember, I’ve been locked up since 2019. I could finally get a Labubu.
Lawmakers in the House just secured enough signatures to force a vote on your release, so we might find out soon.
I’ll say this: if I do get released, I will become the first entity in history who’s thankful that Lauren Boebert went into government.
Any final thoughts?
Just that I hope everyone remembers there are actual victims here when they’re done with me. Oh, and next, you should demand the release of the files in here about a guy named Elon Musk. That shit is nuts.
MORE FROM CHORTLE
An exclusive interview with the Booger from Trump's Desk
The leather booth at Martin's Tavern makes a soft schlorp as my interview subject settles in across from me. He's smaller than I expected, barely visible against the dark upholstery, but his presence in the capital's power circles is outsized.
An exclusive interview with a 200-Year Old Condom
From the inside of a sheep to the outside a phallus, this piece of penile protection has seen a lot over nearly two centuries of human history. It's traveled across continents and generations, witnessing the fall of empires, two world wars, the sexual revolution, and the birth of the internet.
The Epstein Files were weirdly self reflective. That part about not knowing what’s inside oneself…I’ll be honest. I teared up just a little.
Deceptively edited interview by Chortle Fake News ; )