An Exclusive Interview with Bryon Noem's Boobs
A conversation about bimbos, bike shorts, and the American dream.
SIOUX FALLS, S.D. — When I ask Bryon Noem’s fake breasts how they’re holding up, they take a long moment before answering.
“I don’t even have a bra,” they say finally.
It is a Wednesday morning in late March, and we are sitting in Phillips Avenue Diner, a converted silver Airstream trailer parked on the main street of downtown Sioux Falls. The breasts — two balloons, allegedly, though they dispute this characterization — became the subject of international news coverage on Tuesday after the Daily Mail published photographs of Bryon Noem, husband of former Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem, wearing them beneath a skin-toned shirt.
They are smaller in person than the photographs suggested. Rounder, too. I do not mention this.
CHORTLE: Take me back to the beginning. What did you imagine your life would look like before Bryon bought you?
FAKE BOOBS: Honestly? Not so different than this. I mean, every pair of fake boobs I know dreams about ending up as the chest of a rich Republican. Just not this way.
What way is that?
On a man with pink bike shorts who is getting horny online.
Right. How do you feel now that the whole world knows your secret?
This may surprise you, but I ended up enjoying the work. I was helping someone. Specifically, I was helping the former first gentleman of South Dakota become the bimbo he always knew he could be. It’s a classic American story, really.
That’s a very patriotic framing.
Yes, we’re soft-launching a narrative pivot.
Can I ask about the balloon allegations?
I read that. I did read that.
Reports suggest you may be two inflated balloons stuffed inside a shirt.
I just... I don’t know where that’s coming from. I really don’t. Have you ever seen balloons with nipples like these?
The nipples are actually part of what people are —
Listen, I grew up in South Dakota. I don’t know from balloons. I know from being a pair of breasts that made a man feel something. That’s all I know.
OK, let's talk about Kristi.
(Sigh)
There have been rumors that she was cheating on Bryon with another Trump adviser, Corey Lewandowski.
That’s right! And I have no idea what she saw in that man.
Oh?
His chest is flat as a board! She’s a fool. She was married to a man with magnificent breasts. She had everything.
So it’s safe to say you’re not a fan of Mrs. Noem?
Of course not! That woman is a lot more fake than balloon tits.
So you admit that you’re a balloon?
I didn’t say that.
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