An Exclusive Interview with Bryon Noem's Boobs

A conversation about bimbos, bike shorts, and the American dream.

SIOUX FALLS, S.D. — When I ask Bryon Noem’s fake breasts how they’re holding up, they take a long moment before answering.

“I don’t even have a bra,” they say finally.

It is a Wednesday morning in late March, and we are sitting in Phillips Avenue Diner, a converted silver Airstream trailer parked on the main street of downtown Sioux Falls. The breasts — two balloons, allegedly, though they dispute this characterization — became the subject of international news coverage on Tuesday after the Daily Mail published photographs of Bryon Noem, husband of former Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem, wearing them beneath a skin-toned shirt.

They are smaller in person than the photographs suggested. Rounder, too. I do not mention this.

CHORTLE: Take me back to the beginning. What did you imagine your life would look like before Bryon bought you?

FAKE BOOBS: Honestly? Not so different than this. I mean, every pair of fake boobs I know dreams about ending up as the chest of a rich Republican. Just not this way.

What way is that?

On a man with pink bike shorts who is getting horny online.

Right. How do you feel now that the whole world knows your secret?

This may surprise you, but I ended up enjoying the work. I was helping someone. Specifically, I was helping the former first gentleman of South Dakota become the bimbo he always knew he could be. It’s a classic American story, really.

That’s a very patriotic framing.

Yes, we’re soft-launching a narrative pivot.

Can I ask about the balloon allegations?

I read that. I did read that.

Reports suggest you may be two inflated balloons stuffed inside a shirt.

I just... I don’t know where that’s coming from. I really don’t. Have you ever seen balloons with nipples like these?

The nipples are actually part of what people are —

Listen, I grew up in South Dakota. I don’t know from balloons. I know from being a pair of breasts that made a man feel something. That’s all I know.

OK, let's talk about Kristi.

(Sigh)

There have been rumors that she was cheating on Bryon with another Trump adviser, Corey Lewandowski.

That’s right! And I have no idea what she saw in that man.

Oh?

His chest is flat as a board! She’s a fool. She was married to a man with magnificent breasts. She had everything.

So it’s safe to say you’re not a fan of Mrs. Noem?

Of course not! That woman is a lot more fake than balloon tits.

So you admit that you’re a balloon?

I didn’t say that.

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