Earth Day Environmental Fun
Featuring Scary Facts and the Maze of Despair!
Hey, kids! Professor Panicky here with your Earth Day Edition of The Enviro Fun Pages. First up, it’s…
SCARY FACTS ABOUT THE ENVIRONMENT!
Every ten minutes, a parrot in the Amazon Rainforest utters a bad word in Spanish.
The Atlantic Ocean is down to its last octillion grains of salt.
Ozone threats have forced many people to stop using aerosol spray deodorant, which is even scarier than the ozone threats.
The sun will burn out in another billion years or so, meaning we have to end our solar addiction now!
If we don't stop eating lemon meringue pie by 2029, the schnauzer population will vanish... not really, but see how easy it is to believe how horrible things are?
RIDDLE TIME
Q: What did the passenger pigeon say to the dodo?
A: Nothing. They were both driven extinct by human ignorance and greed.
ANIMAL FACTS THAT AREN'T QUITE AS SCARY AS THE ONES ABOVE
The offspring of a squid and a grizzly bear is known as a squizzly.
Amoebas only use 20% of their brains.
It's a myth that all jackalopes are imaginary. Only the females are.
Technically, electric “eels” are not really eels. They're legumes.
The sparrow is such a bizarre bird that scientists originally thought the first specimen was a hoax invented by P.T. Barnum.
MAZE OF DESPAIR
Can you find your way from the present day to a future that doesn't end in a fiery apocalypse?
SOLUTION:
No, you can't.
AND FINALLY…
KIDS, PLEASE ASK YOUR PARENTS TO BUY THESE EARTH-FRIENDLY PRODUCTS!
Cactus-Os (100% saguaro cereal)
Toyota Canary (clean coal-powered sedan)
Kitten of the Sea (kelp-based cat food)
QuasiSoft (imitation redwood toilet paper)
SunStroke Farms (biodegradable solar panels)
Soyle (tofu-infused motor oil)
MORE FROM CHORTLE
Seven Planets I’d Rather Live On
Earth has had a good run, but things seem to be trending in the wrong direction. Recently, I’ve been considering a move off-planet. Sure, I’d miss the stable atmosphere and liquid water here, but the rest of our solar system has a lot going for it, too.
Corporate Cinema Must Be Destroyed (Except for Disney's Cars)
Some days, we must set aside “humor” to focus on principle. And our principles are clear. The entertainment industry must stop its self-cannibalizing franchise addiction—right after they greenlight Cars 4.
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Biodegradable solar panels = leaves
Did you know that kelp is actually sandpaper, but doesn’t taste as good.