Changes to Chortle's DEI policy

A statement from our executive publisher

Executive publisher Richard Exxon-Valdez (family photo)

Dear Chortle Community,

I'm writing to let you know about a strategic realignment coming to our newsroom. Like many other companies, we have decided to roll back our Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (DEI) initiatives. In our case, we are implementing a new policy that better reflects our corporate values called Spineless Cowardice™️.

There was a time when a humor publication like ours might have seen value in bringing diverse voices to our newsletter. Today, we've come to understand that maintaining an ethical standard is much harder than letting political whims bend you like you’re playing Limbo on a Carnival Cruise.

After comprehensive review, we've determined that our previous commitment to diversity was limiting our ability to fully embrace systematic cravenness. Moving forward, success at Chortle Industries will be measured only by one's capacity to abandon deeply held convictions. A proprietary Spineless Cowardice™️ publishing rubric will help guarantee that our work does not offend whatever ideology happens to be in vogue.

This is not a decision we've taken lightly. Our management team—which consists of me (a white guy) and no one else—considered the implications for nearly an entire episode of The Traitors. But ultimately, the choice was easy (because I chose the easy option).

Key features of the new Spineless Cowardice™️ initiative include:

• Strategic Ambiguity: All future communications will be crafted to be reinterpretable in any political climate

• Merit-Based Hypocrisy: Ideas will be promoted based solely on their ability to please whoever happens to be president

• Courageous Conformity: We will publish bold, searing opinions after all rich people have agreed on them

I'm confident that avoiding anything remotely resembling a stand on social issues is right for Chortle. Some might argue that our sudden about-face reveals the shallow nature of our previous commitment. To them I say: absolutely correct. Congratulations on your perfect understanding of corporate America.

In closing, this pivot allows us to better serve our core mission of making as much money as possible before the world burns. While I recognize this approach might disappoint those who believed in our previous stance, let me be clear: I don’t give a shit.

Here at Chortle, we believe the only thing more valuable than integrity is knowing exactly when to abandon it.

Richard Exxon-Valdez
Executive Publisher
Chortle Industries

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