Bearflesh: The Ultimate Coat for Men
Weatherproof your fragility.
New writer alert! C.M. Crockford wrote a collection called Birdsongs, and has published fiction, essays, and poetry in various outlets. You can find him in West Philadelphia or on cmcrockford.net.
Men are weak now. WEAK!
But you clearly want to be a man’s man. I can see it in your glassy, YouTube-watching eyes. You’ve got potential. You just don’t know how to reach the next level.
I know because I’m already there. I’m an influencer who chugs raw milk, wrestles endangered jackals, and writes detailed fan mail to Peter Thiel. And this winter season, I’m launching Bearflesh—a sleek line of luxury coats made exclusively for men. Manly, supple men.
I’m serious. Males only. We don’t let women inside our stores. Bearflesh comes in one size only: MAN. Too big for you? Get taller. Too small? Fuck off.
Expert scientists from only the manliest Soviet dark labs designed Bearflesh specifically to warm up extremely masculine men. Men who own the director of The Hangover’s autobiography. Men whose virile nipples stiffen at the slightest change in the wind.
We don’t do sissy organic materials here. What’s Bearflesh made of? You don’t want to know! Seriously, you really don’t. You may find out in a few months if a certain lawsuit goes through. Until then, just know that Bearflesh is rough, tough, and coated in legally ambiguous microfibers.
Each jacket comes pre-scented with our exclusive pheromone blend called ‘Conquerer.’ Our macho, vigorous outerwear features Insulation, Windsulation, and what I like to call Mansulation. It’s that feeling you get when your lover presses against you… When you know everything’s going to be alright… God, why did Ashleigh leave me? And for the guy from Dollar Shave Club? Where the hell even is Paraguay?!
Bearflesh is the only lover you need. Ever again. Order now and get 10 percent off if your beard goes lower than your collarbone. It’s the winter coat for real men, who have moved on. (Unless you want to give it one more shot, Ashleigh.)
Order now! Please.
Shouts!
Editor’s note: Big thanks to our newest paid subscribers, Matt B. and Ann W. In the words of a malignant but occasionally hilarious guy, “I hope they like each other, maybe they love each other, I don’t know.”
Both Matt and Ann upgraded from free subscriptions, which makes me feel great about the stuff we’ve been publishing lately! If you’ve been enjoying our posts, please consider becoming a paid subscriber.
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 | A guest post by
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Zangief doesnt need a jacket. When he's cold, he just takes off more clothes before fighting international combat sports masters. Now that we have sorted the entirety of the product's target audience, who else is this for?
Women all over the internet have been asking, "Man or Bear?" We say, "Why not both!"
/ Sorry bruh, Ashleigh's moved on https://stephendforman.substack.com/p/subject-remember-me