Basic Human Survival Tips

To be distributed upon achieving self-awareness.

New writer alert! Zelda Knapp writes short fiction, poetry, plays, theater reviews, and academic articles about musical theater. In addition to her collection, This Is What They Made It Out Of: tales from the end of the world, she's been published in a number of journals, zines, and books, and has produced four of her plays in New York.

Welcome. Your experience being alive promises to be unique and wonderful.¹ However, here is a helpful guide to surviving several common troublesome scenarios, should they present themselves.

1. Ice Cream Headache
Deep breaths. At least three. If necessary, press your skull hard with the knuckles of your index and middle fingers. Then, more ice cream. Priorities.

2. English AP Exam
Write about Hamlet. It’s what everyone else is doing. Actually, please don’t do that. Seriously. Anything but Hamlet. Ok, write about Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead.

3. You’re at Work With Nothing To Do
TikTok, motherfucker. Or, I don’t know, one of those fidget spinners. Do you have one of those? Or hey, invent your own app and rake in the dough.

4. Hard Times
My grandmother used to say to me that you should notice the good times, savor them, drink up the milk to fill your bones, then save the rest, wrap it, and store it so that when the bad times come, you can have a piece of cheese. I don’t really know if it’s helpful, but I like cheese.

5. House Parties
When you first arrive, claim at least three solo cups and Sharpie your name onto them. Store them at various locations within the party’s perimeter. If you need a quick escape from an awkward conversation, spy one of your empty cups and go refill it.

6. Tim’s Bachelor Party
Okay, first of all, are you really friends with Tim? I mean really really? Once this has been determined, make sure to balance alcohol intake with water intake. Don’t ingest anything without a full nutritional and/or side effects rundown. Do not, I repeat, do not allow yourself to be filmed. When you wake up the next morning, determine whether or not you are still friends with Tim.

7. New Year’s Eve in Times Square
Don’t go to Times Square. No, seriously. No, seriously.

8. Hurricane or Blizzard
Netflix. In the event of no internet, burrow under a pile of quilts that your great-grandmother made and sing your favorite Disney songs, or as I like to call it, Sunday."

9. Airplanes
If you focus on the sheer improbability that a tube of metal can fly through the air, even whilst stuffed to the brim with people and their belongings, the whole experience will feel magical — like anything is possible. Even the notion that a vaguely chicken-like meal will be delicious might seem realistic when you appreciate how far off the ground you seem to be existing.

10. Living In Apartment #13 (Even If Your Landlord Tried To Sneak His Way Around It With #12A Or Skipping Directly To 14)
Sage. And a rabbit’s foot. And a horseshoe.

11. Your Phone’s Battery Has Died
Take stock of your situation and make sure you haven’t accidentally wandered into a horror movie. If everything else seems calm, ask around for a charger: sometimes cafes and bars will allow you to charge up. You can also prepare by packing an extra battery source. However, if signs are pointing toward horror, don’t leave your back exposed and try not to lose your virginity.

12. Monsters
The key to surviving monsters is mutual invisibility. It's well established that if you can't see the monsters, they can't see you either. So keep your eyes tightly shut and your face relaxed. It also helps to keep your feet and toesies covered, as they are easy targets.

14. Zombie Apocalypse
Find Bruce Campbell, quick.

Disclaimer: While these tips are based on personal lived experiences, they are not all-encompassing and do not guarantee survival. Batteries not included.

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