The Head of Disorganized Crime Has Been Arrested
Don Vitor's highly ineffective syndicate will no longer plague our fair city.
Good evening, everyone. I am proud to announce the successful arrest of Don Vitor, the so-called “leader” of the disorganized crime syndicate plaguing our city. This marks the definitive end to a decade-long reign of crime, chaos, and perplexity.
The public will recall several incidents tied to Don Vitor’s criminal network. These include the “brake repair shop heist,” which resulted in a catastrophic number of car crashes. His organization then became infamous for its bank robberies, like the ill-fated attempt on the Central Bank. For this job, he assembled a team of only getaway drivers, leading to a taxi shortage of unprecedented proportions.
Citizens may also remember Don Vitor’s baffling convenience store robberies, dubbed Operation Steady Income. In this scam, members of the Vitor gang applied for cashier jobs, got hired, and walked away with a paycheck each month—all without raising any suspicion. In the end, many made off with their ‘Employee of the Month’ awards scot-free.
For years, Don Vitor and his gang wreaked havoc in the city through an unusually ineffective criminal operation based out of the Free Sample Discount Megastore, which served as their somewhat puzzling business front. The group’s incompetence caused significant harm to the state and its citizens, primarily in the form of mild annoyance and occasional bewilderment. But those days are over.
Don Vitor turned himself in after a complex chain of events that started when he hired a hitman to eliminate the head of a rival family. The initial hitman subcontracted the job to a second hitman for half the price. This second hitman then subcontracted a third, who was presented with a counteroffer by the intended target, promising a higher payment. In response, the third hitman took the second hostage, demanding a ransom from the first, who then threatened to kill Don Vitor.
In addition to his arrest, Don Vitor will face charges of tax fraud, for which he has claimed responsibility under the justification of “self-defense.”
We will issue further updates as the case warrants. Also, just to clarify: the Free Sample Discount Megastore is no longer selling discounted free samples.
Thank you, and goodnight.
Luis Leal Miranda is an advertising copywriter from Lisbon, Portugal.
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"Also, just to clarify: the Free Sample Discount Megastore is no longer selling discounted free samples."
Great. Now these coupons are worthless.