An Honest Translation Of My Resumé Skills
Because “proficient” is a pretty flexible term
Editor’s note: One of my favorite parts about running Chortle over the last year has been reading submissions from so many other funny people. Trust me when I say there are tons of uniquely talented voices out there struggling to piece together a creative career. In fact, that’s the whole theme of this week’s Drive to Survive—including today’s post from new writer !
MY PROFESSIONAL SKILLS, TRANSLATED
Copywriting
Translation: I wrote this resumé.
Graphic Design
Translation: If you count PowerPoints, which I do.
Intermediate Spanish
Translation: Somewhere between “basic” and “fluent.” Where exactly? I think you mean, “Dónde está?”
Marketing Strategy
Translation: I confidently say the word “initiatives” a lot in meetings.
Email Marketing
Translation: I confidently say the word “campaigns" a lot in meetings.
Event Planning
Translation: I’ve scheduled a lot of meetings.
Microsoft Office
Translation: Sure, why not?
Collaborative
Translation: Time for some soft skills! This one seemed good. Thoughts?
Detail-oriented
Translation: I copy-pasted this from the job description, so you know I’m paying attention.
Improv Comedy
Translation: I make terrible financial decisions.
Ideating Original Concepts
Translation: I once designed a corporate improv comedy curriculum, hoping a company would pay me $300/hour to treat their employees like children.
Sales Experience
Translation: This company once paid me $300/hour for an improv comedy workshop.
Storytelling
Translation: I’ve watched a TED Talk all the way through without checking my phone.
Positive Attitude
Translation: Nope.
DRIVE TO SURVIVE UPDATE
Enormous thanks to our newest LOLigarch, Randy H., for pledging $250 toward Chortle’s future! Meanwhile, Jim H. and Julie F. went from free to paid subscribers, which moves me ever-closer to that elusive orange checkmark…
Their collective support pushed us over a big milestone: $1,000 total raised.
I also got a cool notification from Substack that we’re climbing their leaderboards!
Maybe we can get to #1?!?! I’ll keep you apprised of further developments. In the meantime, join the fun and upgrade today!
New writer alert! Hunter Gardner is a comedy writer and performer who has published over 25 pieces on popular humor outlets including McSweeney’s, Points In Case, The Weekly Humorist—and now Chortle! Check out his feel-good newsletter about adult problems .
MORE FROM CHORTLE
My Uncomfortably Honest Dating Profile
Hello, future disappointments! If you’re looking for an old soul with undiagnosed ADHD, great tits, and a really annoying talking-to-my-dog voice, then have I got a me for you.
DOGE Is Now Hiring Complete Assholes
Are you a tech-obsessed reactionary with no real-world experience? Does your idea of disruption include deleting essential government databases without reading them first? Has your family cut off contact with you, simply because one of your blog posts was deemed hateful by the Southern Poverty Law Center?
You are also a skilled translator
Collaborative
Translation: Know how to be an agreeable suck-up based on the classic text "How to Win Friends and Influence People"