An Exclusive Interview with Donald Trump's Ankles

The president's swollen lower extremities speak out

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The mahogany-paneled bar at the Hay-Adams Hotel falls quiet as I settle into the burgundy leather banquette across from my subjects. It’s 3 PM on a Thursday, and the establishment’s usual power-lunch crowd has thinned to a few lingering lobbyists nursing expensive bourbon. The late afternoon light filters through tall windows, casting long shadows across the table where I’m about to conduct what may be the most unusual interview of my career.

President Trump’s ankles have agreed to speak with me, a rare joint interview for two appendages that have recently dominated headlines following the Commander-in-Chief’s diagnosis with chronic venous insufficiency. The condition, which causes blood to pool in leg veins, sparked intense speculation about the 79-year-old president’s health, as well as the exact definition of “cankle.”

The ankles arrive together, concealed beneath the president’s signature navy suit pants and black Oxford shoes. His right ankle appears slightly more swollen than its counterpart, though both show the telltale signs of their recent medical revelation.

There’s an electric anticipation in the air—the kind you feel when interviewing performers who’ve been waiting years for their moment in the spotlight.

CHORTLE: Thank you both for taking the time. This is quite unprecedented.

LEFT ANKLE: Well, we felt it was important to set the record straight. There’s been a lot of misinformation circulating.

RIGHT ANKLE: Fake news! Total witch hunt by the medical establishment.

CHORTLE: Let’s start with the diagnosis. Can you walk us through what chronic venous insufficiency actually means?

LEFT ANKLE: It’s a fairly common condition where the valves in our veins don’t work properly, so blood pools instead of flowing back to the heart efficiently. It affects about 150,000 Americans annually, particularly those over 70. The symptoms include—

RIGHT ANKLE: Symptoms? We don’t have symptoms, we only have assets! We aren’t swollen ankles, we’re freedom ankles! The most beautiful ankles anyone’s ever seen, frankly.

CHORTLE: Some are wondering if this might represent a serious threat to the president’s health, since he’s nearly 80 and in less than excellent shape.

RIGHT ANKLE: You mean the deep state podiatrists? Radical left foot doctors?

LEFT ANKLE: Look, anything is possible and you can’t predict the future. For example, neither of us saw all this Epstein stuff coming. And we saw a lot of Epstein stuff.

RIGHT ANKLE: I’ll be completely transparent. Right now, our working theory is that President Trump is immortal.

CHORTLE: Excuse me?

LEFT ANKLE: [sighs] We weren’t supposed to mention this. But yes, many of the president’s body parts think he’ll live forever. Particularly his brain.

RIGHT ANKLE: It makes sense! Think of everything we’ve survived: assassination attempts, COVID, an entire lifetime having a micropenis—

LEFT ANKLE: [sighs again] We’re not supposed to mention that either.

RIGHT ANKLE: The point is that we operate on a higher plane! The most tremendous plane!

CHORTLE: So you really believe this?

LEFT ANKLE: We’re just suggesting that normal medical rules don't seem to apply here, otherwise we’d have died thirty years ago. Chronic venous insufficiency? Please. We'll probably outlive the condition itself.

RIGHT ANKLE: Finally! The Radical Left agrees with me!

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