Advanced Baseball Statistics for Real Life
Using sabermetrics to measure my weekend.
Sabermetrics changed how baseball fans and analysts understand the game. Moneyball helped popularize a more rigorous way of evaluating baseball players, with metrics like OPS, WAR, and xFIP replacing gut feeling and tradition. Front offices that adopted this approach gained advantages that traditionalists couldn't match, and the changes to MLB since then can’t be overstated.
The question is: why did we stop at baseball? Our everyday lives are full of performance data, yet no one has developed a comprehensive statistical system to evaluate it. That’s why I’ve been toying with several proprietary metrics to measure my own life and accomplishments.
Here are my statistics for this year.
WAR: -1.2
Weekends Actually Rested.
K%: 18
Kid (Percent Satisfied).
DRS: 17.6
Dishes Remaining from Saturday (on average).
xWIF: .773
Expected rate at which I irritate my wife.
CAL–: 2200
Daily calories consumed, minus honesty.
TVZ: 99
Number of TV episodes I’ve fallen asleep during.
AGE+: 83
Age, adjusted for crankiness.
OPT+: 7
Optimism, adjusted for experience.
BACK: 2
Number of things wrong with my back.
MORE FROM CHORTLE
Melania, By The Numbers
According to Amazon, Melania “offers unprecedented access to the 20 days leading up to the 2025 Presidential Inauguration — through the eyes of the First Lady herself.” According to reviewers, it’s “shallow, putrid, pitiful garbage.” Rather than get caught up in the film’s controversial politics, I decided to review it objectively: by the numbers.
These New Statistics Prove I Don't Suck at Basketball
Traditional NBA stats leave much to be desired. Points? Rebounds? Steals? They simply don’t fully represent the performance of the basketball marketplace. It’s much more important to consider the categories that make me personally look good, like Hustle, Bone Density, and Patriotism.
A buddy wanted to swap his Taco Bell Quarterly rookie card for my Greg Nix card, and I laughed in his face, "Are you kidding me?!"
I know what I got ; )
CBMet: 3 // Number of metaphorical curveballs life has thrown at me this year.
CBLit: 0 // Number of literal curveballs I am able to throw. (one of the metaphorical curveballs was pulling out my shoulder while putting on my book bag)