These New Statistics Prove I Don't Suck at Basketball

A press conference from the Bureau of Hoops Statistics

Photo by Chris Liverani on Unsplash

Hello, and thank you for coming to this press conference.

My name is Greg Nix, and I am here to announce my entrance into the NBA Draft. I know it’s unusual for a 38-year-old comedy writer to sign a multimillion-dollar NBA contract, but let me assure you that I am among the very best basketball players in the world — as measured by my brand-new, personal statistician.

Traditional NBA stats leave much to be desired. Points? Rebounds? Steals? They simply don’t fully represent the performance of the basketball marketplace. It’s much more important to consider the categories that make me personally look good, like Hustle, Bone Density, and Patriotism.

I will acknowledge the critics who point out that I am 5’8” tall and weigh 150 pounds. However, while these are not traditional indicators of success in professional basketball, we propose that from now on, NBA championships should not be determined by on-court results, but instead based on “feel.” And by wearing this size-medium Lakers jersey I got at Dick’s Sporting Goods, I feel like a champion.