A Toast to Jeff Bezos

Here's to everyone's favorite lizard-man!

Jeff, congratulations on your nuptials.

You are truly one of a kind! I mean, your company made life much easier for millions of people—and yet you’re still one of the most hated people alive. That takes a singular personality.

Sure, the common folk might not get you. But look at all the people who came to Italy to celebrate your love! Movie stars, athletes, various members of Jeffrey Epstein’s friend group…

It sounds like it was a truly romantic occasion. In fact, few weddings in history compare. You took over Venice with private water-taxis and three-star Michelin catering, and in doing so, you accomplished the impossible: organized Italian people.

$50 million is a lot to spend on a wedding! But personally, I think it’s entirely reasonable. They say money can’t buy you happiness, but “they” have probably never done cocaine off Oprah Winfrey’s ass in the Palazzo Medici.

Who wasn’t at this thing? It turns out you’re a popular fellow among a certain class of moneyed dumbass. The paparazzi spotted Tom Brady, Leonardo DiCaprio, the impending collapse of our economic order, even Sydney Sweeney! Of course, the floral arrangements alone could have bought clean water for half of sub-Saharan Africa, but where's the potential for a Vogue feature on that?

Thank goodness you ditched your boring old wife, so we could all bear witness to such an occasion. (Of course, she had to show you up by donating $19 billion to charity in the very same century you got married again!)

Luckily, now you’ve found your real soulmate: a woman whom I know very little about, apart from the fact that she used to have a different face. In that, you and she seem like a perfect match.

Anyway, I'm sure the honeymoon will be lovely. Nothing says romance like destroying a private island with your carbon footprint.

Congrats again, Jeff! I sincerely hope one of your spaceships doesn’t blow up with you inside.

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