More Facts Donald Trump Just Learned
The president now thinks Vladimir Putin is "CRAZY!" What else does he know?
President Donald Trump made news over Memorial Day weekend with a surprising social media post about Russian leader Vladimir Putin. “I’ve always had a very good relationship with Vladimir Putin of Russia, but something has happened to him,” Trump wrote. “He has gone absolutely CRAZY!”
As the Donald himself noted, this marked a departure from Trump's historically warm tone toward the Russian autocrat. After years of praising Putin as “brilliant” and “savvy,” Trump appears to have finally reached the same conclusion the rest of the world arrived at roughly 25 years ago: that Putin is an untrustworthy authoritarian.
While it might seem odd that Trump is only now having this revelation about a leader who has been consolidating power since 1999, sources at Chortle have discovered it's far from his only recent epiphany. We've obtained exclusive access to the drafts folder on Trump's Truth Social account, revealing a treasure trove of other shocking discoveries the president has recently made.
Lyin' Bill Clinton and the Fake News Media wanted everyone to PANIC about Y2K, but it turns out it was a HOAX! No planes crashed, no computers died, NOTHING happened—just like Trump predicted!
Lance Armstrong is a CHEATER and a FRAUD! Used illegal drugs to win the Tour de France SEVEN times—totally unfair to the other cyclists! Sheryl Crow should dump this loser immediately. She deserves much better!
Scientists just cloned a sheep named Dolly—can you believe it? This is getting out of hand! We need to be very careful with this “science” stuff. I've always said some things should be left to GOD, not nerds in lab coats!
Subway's Jared is a SICKO and a CRIMINAL! I always knew something was wrong with that guy. Terrible person who fooled everyone for YEARS. I would have fired him on day one. BAD HOMBRE!
Don't invest in Enron—they're CROOKS! The whole company is built on LIES and accounting tricks. I've been saying this for months but nobody listened. When it crashes, remember that Trump warned you first. Invest in TRUMP—solid as GOLD!
Just learned about the DISASTER at Chernobyl—why didn't anyone tell me sooner? The Russians totally BOTCHED their nuclear plant! This would NEVER happen under Trump management. I build the most beautiful, safest buildings in the world!
Professional wrestling is FAKE! Triple H, The Rock, Stone Cold Steve Austin—all acting! I feel very betrayed by Vince McMahon, who I thought was a friend. The crowds are real but the fights are RIGGED. Still entertaining though!
Just watched the beautiful movie TITANIC. Incredible ship, terrible tragedy! But Hollywood LIED to us again. The old lady at the end was the SAME PERSON as the young woman earlier! They think we're stupid but Trump figured it out. Kate Winslet is gorgeous!
WE DID IT!!!
The Drive to Survive is officially complete—and officially a success! Enormous thanks to Andy R., who signed up overnight, as well as Alex B., Robin W., Martin H., and Eric F.—who all answered the call after I posted on social media that we needed one more paid subscriber to push us over the finish line. HEROES, each and every one of you.
I really can’t express how much I appreciate the support we’ve received over the last week! It’s extremely heartening to know that in an otherwise bleak time, we’ll be able to keep making comedy for you fine folks. THANK YOU!
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WHO KNEW? WHY DID THE DYING LAME STREAM MEDIA HIDE THIS FROM US THROUGH WARPED RADICAL LEFT MINDS, WHO ALLOWED 21,000,000 MILLION PEOPLE TO ILLEGALLY ENTER OUR COUNTRY, MANY OF THEM BEING CRIMINALS AND THE MENTALLY INSANE,THROUGH AN OPEN BORDER THAT ONLY AN INCOMPETENT PRESIDENT WOULD APPROVE, AND THROUGH JUDGES WHO ARE ON A MISSION TO KEEP MURDERERS, DRUG DEALERS, RAPISTS, GANG MEMBERS, AND RELEASED PRISONERS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD, IN OUR COUNTRY SO THEY CAN ROB, MURDER, AND RAPE AGAIN — ALL PROTECTED BY THESE USA HATING JUDGES WHO SUFFER FROM AN IDEOLOGY THAT IS SICK, AND VERY DANGEROUS FOR OUR COUNTRY. HOPEFULLY THE UNITED STATES SUPREME COURT, AND OTHER GOOD AND COMPASSIONATE JUDGES THROUGHOUT THE LAND, WILL SAVE US FROM THE DECISIONS OF THE MONSTERS WHO WANT OUR COUNTRY TO GO TO HELL. GOD BLESS AMERICA!
"Bad hombre." I forgot he speaks Spanish ; )