8 Tips for a Bearable Thanksgiving
It's not just about gratitude.
Thanksgiving is upon us, and it’s time for Americans to acknowledge the things for which we’re grateful. For many of us, those gratitudes include the fact that we usually don’t have to have dinner with our entire extended family. But since tomorrow we have little or no choice in the matter, we might as well make the best of it.
Chortle’s Special Thanksgiving Tips
If you can’t afford a turducken, a sprowgeon is a cheap and easy substitute, since every neighborhood has sparrows, crows, and pigeons.
Most families have vegan relatives who need a special menu, so make sure to scour your area for vegan restaurants where they can dine by themselves.
Don’t get too emotionally wrapped up in the football games, because we can guarantee you that none of the players gives a rat’s ass about you or your job.
Try to mention how the Native Americans showed nothing but ingratitude towards the white men who treated them with kindness and blankets. That always livens things up.
After the meal, remember to collect the scraps and freeze them for your big Christmas feast next month.
Spend some quality time at the kids’ table, making sure to warn them about tainted yams, turkey salmonella, and other stories about past holidays gone horribly wrong.
If the dinner gets derailed into the usual petty squabbles and pointless political debates, simply excuse yourself by faking a heart attack.
Finally, always keep in mind what the holiday is truly for: Which is... honestly, we can’t remember. Maybe they’ll mention it during the Lil Jon concert.
Editor’s Note: Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! I greatly appreciate each person who chooses to read our stuff. We’ll be taking the next couple of days off—see you Monday!
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Giving thanks and taking no crap. Happy Thanksgiving, Chortlers.
“Just so you know: Approximately 98.9% of us Native Americans–us Indians–will be celebrating Thanksgiving this year—just like we do every year. We should do a PSA where ‘The Dude’ Lebowski sits at a Thanksgiving table with happy white and Native people and says, ‘Culture evolves, man, culture evolves.’”— Sherman Alexie