How to Look Busy at Work During the Holidays

A slacker's guide to working hard at hardly working.

Dec 03, 2024

I’ve never been taken hostage, but I imagine it feels similar to working an office job during the 3 weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas Break. That corporate dread just hits differently in December. We’re a full year’s worth of tired, haven’t seen the sun in weeks, and it’s chilly?! Nippy weather alone should mean a paid month off!

But living the ~~capitalist nightmare untenable for anyone born after 1980~~ American Dream means that even when our bodies say to hibernate, we must pull ourselves up by our fuzzy socks and clock in. As they say, showing up is half the battle. But the other half is important too: pretending to look busy once you’re there.

We all know standard slack-off tactics like lingering at the water cooler or online shopping in a private browser, but here are some creative tactics to help maximize your minimal effort this holiday season.

Take the long way! Everywhere. Trip to the mailroom? Walk the scenic route. Bathroom break? Use the facilities three floors up. Question for your cubicle neighbor? Head to the parking garage, get in your car, drive to a Starbucks in a different county, then email them from there.

Invite your work friends to shoot the shit in a formal setting. Rent out a conference room for “team building,” and to anyone walking past, it will look like you’re discussing “expanding the company’s market share” or some crap. Only you know that you’re actually reading Brenda in Accounting for filth. You lunch-stealing buffoon, Brenda! Sorry not sorry.

Gaslight your boss by taking slightly longer lunch breaks until you’re only actually at work for two 15-minute chunks each day.

Never underestimate the power of calling something “research.” You could be researching island commerce to maximize cash flow as a means of lowering mortgage rates, not playing Animal Crossing during business hours.

Walk purposefully holding a clipboard and no one will ask you any questions. This is how I snuck into the Met Gala—or what I thought was the Met Gala. (It turned out to be a Meat Gala. I was severely overdressed and did not bring nearly enough pork loins.)

Make people think you’re in the office by borrowing tactics from Home Alone. Prop a cardboard Michael Jordan cutout at your desk, play these typing sounds, and record yourself saying key phrases like “Great idea, boss” and “Happy to miss my daughter’s recital for this!”

Fake your own death. It may seem drastic, but sometimes desperate times (i.e., a 5 PM meeting on a Friday) call for desperate measures (i.e., cutting ties with everyone you’ve ever known).

And if you’re reading this at work, congrats on the head start!

Congrats to our raffle winners!

November has concluded, which means it’s time to announce the winners of our first monthly raffle. Each name was selected from a list of Chortle’s paid subscribers via a random number generator and the winners all receive a lovely refrigerator magnet.

Congrats to the winners: Kathy A., Jaz G., Eileen H., Michael L., Dan L., Syndey S. Mike P., Brian R., Patrick D., and Dana C.!

We’ll be announcing the December raffle prize shortly. Get your name in the drawing by becoming a paid subscriber today!