You're Gonna Sleep with the Fishes

Specifically, the Goldfish crackers my son drops on the floor.

Listen up, wise guy. We know you’ve been squealing. And now we’re gonna make an example of you.

That’s right, you’re gonna sleep with the fishes…

Specifically, the Goldfish crackers my son drops on the floor.

What, you don't think that's a serious threat? You don’t know what those fish go through. Let me paint you a picture.

First, he crushes half of them into crumbs before they get anywhere near his mouth. So maybe we’ll pulverize you into little bits, capisce? For disrespecting the Family.

Then—and this is the real heavy stuff—he drowns them in milk. Didn’t know fish could drown, did you? Well, Pepperidge Farm Flavor-Blasted Goldfish can. And so can you.

…

Sorry, my wife just texted. Apparently my kid's having a meltdown because we're out of Goldfish. The irony is not lost on me.

Look, between you and me, I’m usually a lot more intimidating than this. I’m just exhausted. I mean, between the baby and work, I got two Families now! Honestly, it seems like you and I could both use a nice, long “sleep” with the fishes.

Tell you what - I'm gonna go hit up the grocery store, maybe take a nap in the parking lot. We'll reschedule this whole thing. Maybe Sunday?

Great, I’ll come kill you right after swim class!

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