YOUR ACCOUNT IS PAST DUE

We offer many highly stressful ways to settle your debt.

New writer alert! Leslie Kendall Dye is a dancer, actress, writer, and wistful person. Her essays have been published at The Atlantic, Longreads, The New York Times, and others. Her short stories have appeared in Thriller Magazine and at Apocalypse Confidential.

Photo by Greg Rosenke on Unsplash

HI LESLIE,

Thank you for choosing Riverside Hematology for your medical care. Your account has a balance remaining, and payment is now overdue. Please call our office today to resolve this issue.

Your other options include:

• Letting it go to collection. They’ll stalk you much more relentlessly than us, which will either prod you to pay the bill or accelerate your anxiety until you suffer a cardiac arrest, at which point you will no longer have to worry about late payments.

• Calling your insurance company. Hahahahaha. Here at Riverside Hematology, we feel that a good joke is as important as a healthy breakfast.

• Calling our office not to settle the bill, but to revise your payment plan to smaller increments. Say, five dollars a week for the next 100 weeks. The person speaking with you will not actually have the authority to change your payment plan, but she will “promise” to speak to her supervisor and then ask you to call back next week. Having successfully kicked the can down the road, Riverside encourages you to drink some whiskey and feel accomplished, while an undercurrent of panic sets your stomach flipping at randomized intervals. Say, five flips an hour for the next 100 hours.

• Checking the health of your kidneys and if you get the go-ahead, selling one. Simple.

• FINAL OPTION: We take back the iron we infused into your bloodstream last spring. This option is last on the list for a reason. It’s time-consuming for you and for us. We cannot guarantee that we will take only what we are owed; it’s a tricky process because it was invented only a few minutes ago by tireless researchers who share our goal of defeating both anemia and personal debt. But we do strive to take exactly the right amount. As you have already paid three quarters of your bill—and may we say how impressed we are?—you would be responsible for returning only one quarter of the life-saving iron now populating your bloodstream.

NOTE: IF YOU CHOOSE THIS FINAL OPTION, YOU WILL BE ANEMIC AGAIN. IN THAT CASE, WE HIGHLY RECOMMEND YOU CALL THE FRONT DESK TO SCHEDULE A NEW IRON INFUSION AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. (Don’t worry—we’ll bill you later.)

---

---

MORE FROM CHORTLE