Yes, I’ll Play Catch With You for a Reasonable Fee
Don't miss this toss-based opportunity!
Guest writer alert! Ralph Gamelli has been published in McSweeneys, Points in Case, Slackjaw, and Weekly Humorist. He still plays catch.
Do these early days of spring feel bittersweet? It’s finally warm again, and you’d love to toss the baseball around, but you can’t seem to find anyone willing to stand a short distance away and throw it back?
It could be because you’re new in town and don’t know many people yet. Or maybe you just have one of those personalities.
If so, this is your lucky day.
My service, Have Glove Will Travel, offers the unique opportunity to interact with an actual human being (me), who will:
Catch any baseball thrown from an appropriate distance at an appropriate speed.
Throw it back at an equally appropriate speed.
Make small talk throughout the duration of our session.
BONUS: Pretend to work at your office if your wife or significant other asks who the hell I am.
And my services, you may be pleased to note, aren’t limited to baseballs. I’m also highly proficient with: Softballs, Frisbees, Footballs (Nerf preferred), and Trackball.
Please, no jai alai. Lawn darts negotiable.
You can schedule your session at a local park or, for no additional charge, I’ll come play catch in your own backyard. Sessions interrupted by moderate to heavy rain will be canceled without refund. (If it’s just a light mist or even a drizzle, I’m fine with that.)
There’s no need to worry about window breakage or other types of damage to your property. I’m fully licensed in the process of catching and throwing, with an accuracy rate that ranges from 88% on a bad day to 96.5% on a good one. My exclusive guarantee: if I soft-arm one of those annoying short-hoppers or let loose with an errant sky ball, that throw will be deducted from the fully itemized bill I provide at the end of services.
My very affordable rates are as follows:
$29.95 for any standard game of catch with the projectile of your choice. (“Standard” is classified as 50 throws each or 15 minutes, whichever comes first.)
$19.95 for any game of catch cut short by a minor groin pull.
$9.95 for any game of catch that ends abruptly with someone grabbing their shoulder and inhaling through clenched teeth.
I’m extremely confident that Have Glove Will Travel will meet all of your various game-of-catch needs. If you can find a more reliable or cost-effective catcher and thrower of flingable objects, simply provide a copy of your receipt, and I’ll gladly refund your money in full.
SPECIAL SPRINGTIME BONUS: As this new season of playing catch gets underway, I’m extending a limited-time half-price option if you choose to subscribe to weekly sessions. Don’t want to commit to that right away? No problem. To show how dedicated I am to your complete satisfaction, I’m prepared to offer—for the next 10 minutes only—a first session absolutely free of charge!
Really? You’re sure I can’t change your mind? Honestly, I’d love to toss the ball around. And you know how it is when you have one of those personalities.
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I still haven't found a friend to play boomerang with : (