What Being Abducted By Aliens Taught Me About B2B Sales

LinkedIn has helped me leverage my cosmic kidnapping!

New writer alert! Jen O’Donnell is a standup comedian and creative exec based in Los Angeles. Most recently, she worked at a digital platform co-founded by Mark Cuban, who once laughed at something she said. You can find her on Substack at

Next Gen Jen

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I’ve always loved travel.

That's why, when I found myself onboard a spaceship hurtling toward an unknown destination, I was thrilled at the chance to experience new cultures, take in the sights—and potentially generate revenue growth opportunities.

First, I tried to get to know my interplanetary hosts. They told me that I was a candidate for a new and exciting role as a “human specimen” back on their home planet. While I was excited for their consideration, I couldn’t help but notice some strategy gaps in their Human Specimen Program. For example, I would have benefitted from a more robust onboarding process in which I didn’t wake up on an operating table under a blinding light. And the interview process was very brief—I didn’t even have the chance to change my Slack status to ‘away!’

As they say, you only get one chance to make a first impression though, so right off the bat I offered to do an audit of their existing program. How many humans had they converted into specimens? What resources were they expending? What was their human churn rate? And it’s important to define industry-specific terms—in this case, does ‘churn’ mean death? All things that would be helpful to know.

My questions seemed to impress the Fleshweavers (we’ve scheduled an idea jam to work on a name with better branding potential). But, in order to truly understand my potential role on the team, I needed to identify each alien’s role within the organization. I quickly noted that their B2B (body-to-biopsy) acquisition pipeline lacked a skilled gatekeeper capable of converting prospects into accounts.

That’s when I had a light bulb moment. Who would be a better gatekeeper than my gatekeeper, the creature who brings gruel to my torture pod, Zzzk'ra the Disembowler?

This operational innovation turned out to be the key to unlocking new opportunities for me within the organization. My strategy has 10x’d the number of human specimens onboard, and I’m on track for Q3 promotion to head-in-a-jar.

If you’re looking to take your sales strategy to astronomical levels, download my free e-guide and join us!

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