A Welcome Guide to Perimenopause

For the Chronically Unbothered (But Sweating Profusely)

Marie-Hélène Lebeault writes speculative fiction under her own name —including hormonal dispatches from the frontlines of middle age—and everything else under various aliases. She lives in Quebec, where she quietly overthinks everything and occasionally cries over Gilette commercials, basil, and non-binding socks.

Photo by The Cleveland Museum of Art on Unsplash

Congratulations! You’ve unlocked the next level of womanhood: Perimenopause!

You didn’t sign up, but you’re here now, and this unsolicited hormonal escape room waits for no one. Please familiarize yourself with the following glossary of symptoms before you throw your bra in the microwave.

1. HOT FLASHES

Also known as spontaneous combustion. You’ll wake up glowing like a baked ham. Invest in a cooling pillow, a desk fan, and a water bottle the size of a toddler. If you’re not sweating through your underwear during a staff meeting, are you even perimenopausal?

2. MOOD SWINGS

You might cry because a sock is inside-out. Or scream because someone chewed near you. It’s called growth. You are still lovable. Just less... approachable. Pre-write your apologies and hand them out like business cards.

3. BRAIN FOG

What were we—? Wait. Where are your keys? You’re holding them. You’re doing amazing.

4. BLOATING

Your body is now 40% water, 40% rage, and 20% crackers. Jeans are dead to you. Lean into the elastic waistband lifestyle. You haven’t let yourself go; you’ve let comfort in.

5. SLEEP

Fall asleep at 8:45 p.m. Wake up at 1:17 a.m., ready to emotionally relive something you said in 2009. Consider adopting the circadian rhythm of a confused raccoon.

6. TIKTOK

Join the “We Do Not Care Club.” Braless women in bonnets and bathrobes scream into the algorithm in perfect solidarity. Membership perks: radical honesty, misplaced glasses, and hot takes delivered from a Subaru.

7. RELATIONSHIPS

You may suddenly resent your partner for the way they blink. Or breathe. This is valid. So is hiding in your car for 40 minutes in the driveway because the house is just... loud.

8. PERSONAL STYLE

You now dress exclusively in linen and oversized t-shirts that say things like “Emotionally Sunburnt” or “Nope.” You’ve never looked cooler, even if your thermostat is broken.

SUMMARY

You are not broken. You’re breaking free. Of people-pleasing. Of underwire. Of pretending kale smoothies are worth it. You are becoming a woman who knows things. Who naps with intention. Who buys candles she never lights and carries healing crystals named “Derek.”

You are the future. And she’s sweaty, stunning, and absolutely done with everyone's nonsense.

Welcome to the club. We do not care. And yet—deeply, beautifully—we do.

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Special Shouts!

Editor’s Note: Big thanks to our newest paid subscriber, Mary W. Her subscription dollars went directly towards paying Marie-Hélène for writing this post! What a beautiful Marie-Mary connection.

As a special bit of gratitude, I wrote this ancient proverb just for you, Mary:

Pride goes before the fall. The fall goes before Christmas!

Pretty deep, eh? Thanks again to all our paid subscribers for supporting Chortle!

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