The Ultimate Holiday Grift Guide

Gifts are out, grifts are in.

2024 could uncharitably be called the Year of the Grift—and I don’t see any reason to be charitable about it.

Another presidential election was won by the Grifter-in-Chief, with vocal support from the World’s Richest Grifter, leading to a parade of other high-profile grifters stepping into important government roles. A handful of podcast grifters have somehow become the most important media figures alive. An array of social media grifters make millions by shilling yet more grifter-created beauty and wellness products. Everywhere we turn is a shakedown waiting to happen.

The natural conclusion? If you want to make someone happy this holiday season, don’t get them a gift—set them up with a grift. Most GIFTS have limited upside, but sharing a thoughtful GRIFT with someone you love could lead them to fame, fortune, and, eventually, a presidential pardon.

Grift for Moms

What to get for the woman who cares for everyone else? Start with self-care—specifically, an Essential Oil Pyramid Scheme Kit. There are dozens of other parents in the PTA, and each one is a potential sucker for lavender-scented stress cures. Mom will be the most popular gal in the neighborhood, at least until everyone learns that her LLC is not liable for expired oils and/or chemical burns.

Grift for Dads

It will be easy for Dad to get a grift going as long as he’s willing to be 1) nostalgic, 2) highly online, and 3) ignorant of health standards. Then you can help him start his own Direct-to-Consumer Snack Brand. Whether it’s Lunchables like MrBeast or Gatorade like Logan Paul, surely your dad has a favorite childhood snack that can be rebranded and priced up. Empires have been built on far less than a Tiktokified version of Bagel Bites.

Grift for Teenagers

Grifting isn’t just for adults anymore! Your teenager can become an internet sensation with one simple Livestreaming Setup: a ring light, a crate full of energy drinks, and zero personal boundaries. Bonus points if you can disable their camera’s off button—someone recently went viral solely because they’ve been streaming live for three straight years. That's the grift that keeps on grifting.

Grift for Co-Workers

Help the aspiring grifter in your office become a LinkedIn Influencer with a Premium subscription and an account on ChatGPT. Soon, they’ll be posting novel-length advice full of impossible-to-parse business jargon. What’s the actual upside of becoming famous on LinkedIn? That’s a question for the philosophers. In the meantime, there’s no purer grift than commodifying the most intimate moments of your life on a jobs board.

Grifts for Pets

Don’t forget Fluffy! Four-legged family members can get in on the grift if you get them an Emotional Support Animal Certificate. Won’t it be nice to bring your gerbil to brunch, on a plane, or into contentious legal proceedings regarding Mom’s oils? WARNING: don’t watch any beautiful Sesame Street segments that might cause you to realize you’re making mockery of an important system.

Grifts for Kids

Research indicates that kids in China are already grifting at 5x the level of the average American child. We need to close the grift gap. So why not mint your child’s very own Cryptocurrency?

Purchase TheoCoin now by Venmoing me $13,000 dollars.

It’s easy to do, and in mere months, your son or daughter could both be worth millions and be a leading driver of climate change. Take that, China!

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Shoutout to

harry

from

Good Hang

for the inspiration.

I hope the contours bang as imagined and it does indeed do numbers.

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The chase for 500 subscribers… is complete!

A couple of weeks ago, I mentioned that Chortle was pushing for 500 subscribers. That was in part because I’ve read that I should share my goals for the newsletter since it’s something that people are surprisingly interested in. This checks out to me as a reader of other newsletters.

BUT I am also easily humiliated. Sharing a specific goal made me worry that I was setting myself up for public disappointment. Here’s what happened next…

So I guess the real takeaway is that if you share specific subscriber goals with your audience, you will eventually become anxious enough to aggressively promote your newsletter. Hey, all’s well that ends well.

Welcome to our recent subscribers, and thanks to

Anne Kadet

,

JRR Jokien

, and

Julie Vick

for the signal boosts!

And an extra special shoutout to our newest paid subscriber, Masterplanman. Your paid support makes it possible to do stuff like buy ads and pay writers. Thank you!