Totally Plausible “Secrets” Shared by Donald Trump and Jeffrey Epstein
Analyzing the president's innocent birthday card.
Danielle Koenig is a comedy writer (The Dish, Dark Air with Terry Carnation, Invader ZIM) and cohost of the comedic podcast How to Survive with Danielle & Kristine.
In recent news that was all but lost in the 24-hour attention cycle, House Democrats released an image of a 2003 birthday card from Donald Trump to Jeffrey Epstein, which the Trump administration had previous claimed did not exist. Trump drew a picture of a naked woman on the card, accompanied by a note alluding to a “wonderful secret” he and Epstein shared.
For some reason, the president now denies having written the card—which makes no sense to us, since there are so many completely innocent “wonderful secrets” that the friends might have been referring to!
Here are but a few possibilities.
Donald and Jeffrey’s hidden stash of SnackWells fat-free cookies, which had sadly been discontinued the previous year, causing the pals to squirrel away several pallets in a secret warehouse.
Their quietly controversial shared belief that the 2002 Billy Crystal-Robert De Niro sequel Analyze That was superior to 1999’s original Analyze This.
Their secret opinion that, although it’s not polite to take sides in a diva war, Mariah Carey’s “I don’t know her” take down of J-Lo might be the best burn ever!
Their preferred way to spend a Saturday night: completing and framing a 1000-piece Thomas Kinkade puzzle. Guilty pleasure!
Their secret belief that, as much as they hate to admit it, Ugg Boots are sort of fun!
The embarrassing fact that neither of them really get how microwaves work.
A shared agreement that they’ll never forgive themselves for not seeing Cats on Broadway when they had the chance, and the secret pact they made not to let the same thing happen with Phantom of the Opera!
Their multi-step plan to do away with PBS. (Okay, this one’s bad but pales in comparison to child sex-trafficking, no?)
I wrote a post about Survivor!
Editor’s note: I recently wrote a fun guest piece about playing in a Survivor fantasy league, and previewing my “picks” for Season 49.
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I’ve asked and Danielle delivered! Always a guaranteed blurt laugh 🤣
Wait … they discontinued Snackwells?