To Preserve Peace, We Must Blow Up the Earth

It’s simply the only option.

Photo by NASA on Unsplash

We interrupt our regularly scheduled Chortle (“A Mildly Annoying Thing My Neighbor Did”) to bring you this message from the President of the United States of America.

A short time ago, the U.S. military carried out massive, precision strikes on the center of the Earth. I can report to the world that the strikes were a spectacular military success. The Earth's core has been completely and totally obliterated. The mantle is fragmenting as we speak.

Humanity has long been under attack by a very serious foe: other, different parts of humanity. It is for this reason that I’ve taken decisive action to fire two dozen fifty-megaton nuclear warheads directly at the planet's molten core. In order to defeat the nefarious threat of “people from other places,” we must destroy ALL places. This is the only way we will finally know peace.

To our allies, who are already seeing their cities consumed by massive lava flows and are asking questions like "Why did you do this?" and "Please stop before it’s too late” (not a question), know that we considered this plan for several hours. We came to the conclusion that we don't care what you think, in part because you are also different from us, even if not it’s different enough for us to usually be militant about it.

But this is not about our allies. This is about our enemies, who will be blown to smithereens! (Along with everyone else.) Some have tried to point out that these foes may have been willing to negotiate. But we say negotiations are useless, because promises can always be broken—look at us, for example.

Make no mistake: we had to act before our enemies struck first. They were plotting against us! Maybe. There's at least a 60/40 chance they were thinking about possibly considering retaliatory action against someone we know. At any rate, intelligence agencies presented compelling evidence that these enemies control buildings and the buildings have people in them, which clearly indicated hostile intent.

The critics on social media are already howling there will be “nothing left” now that we’ve destroyed everything. But what the fake news won’t tell you is that we didn’t destroy everything. A select portion of our donor base has already enrolled in Humanity Premium by Palantir. These generous patriots will spend their remaining years aboard the former International Space Station, each connected to what top Silicon Valley researchers are calling a “perpetual blowjob simulator.” Terrific!

I would like to close by saying thank you to everyone watching, which is almost no one at all. As I speak, the vast silence where civilization used to exist makes this the most peaceful our planet has ever been.

Mission accomplished! I better get the Nobel Prize for this.