Instead of TikTok, Let's Ban These Apps

Nine apps more threatening to national security than teens dancing

Earlier this week, Donald Trump demonstrated his understanding of a subtle political concept that Democrats remain unable to grasp: don’t do massively unpopular shit.

After realizing that banning TikTok would anger everyone who isn't actively collecting Social Security, Trump reversed course on his own proposal. And while I don't even use the app, the whole circus was absurd. Really, Congress? This was the one thing you could align on? Taking away everyone's precious little videos? It was like watching your grandparents try to ground the entire internet.

Despite all this, I personally remain resolute that there are many dangerous apps available that might undermine Our Great Republic. Here are a few that might actually deserve congressional hearings.

X
Elon Musk’s corner of the internet is clearly the most demented thing available for download in the App Store — and that includes this interactive map to mark your poops.

Slack
Essential for work communication, which is exactly why it should be illegal between 6 p.m. and 9 a.m.

Paramount+
We have too many streaming services. At least one has to go. I chose this one because I forgot it existed even though I used to work for them.

Zillow
If no one knows how much houses cost, they can’t keep getting more expensive.

Pokemon GO
I have data security concerns here: if our enemies find out how few steps Americans really take, we’ll lose our edge in the Jazzercise industry.

Farmers Dating Only
I generally believe everyone deserves love — but farmers are dirty yokels that shouldn’t breed. (Or at least should be forced to use Tinder like the rest of us.)

All podcasting apps
Here’s an actual national security threat: the millions of Americans who think they're experts on crime because they’ve listened to 14 seasons of “Murder Time with Karen.”

Substack
The humorless ramblings of a wannabe littérateur? No thanks!

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