The Realm’s Stupidest Wizard Has Failed
Discussions with the murderous Orcs somehow went awry.
“Shortly after meeting Putin, Trump reversed himself and said a ceasefire in the Russia-Ukraine war wasn't critical.” - NPR
To King Torvald the Wise, Slayer of Dragons and Keeper of Fine Prostitutes, First of His Name:
I write to you from the faire city of Pondoria, where we are besieged by an army of bloodthirsty Orcs. We are in desperate need of aid. Our attempts to negotiate have come to naught — despite the fact that they were led by the stupidest wizard in all the realm.
Our plan was simple: have this rich and powerful wizard use his unique powers of negotiation to convince the Orcs that a truce would benefit them as much as it would benefit us. This did not work, for reasons that remain unclear. Perhaps orcs naturally crave violence. Perhaps the wizard representing us has a brain like pea soup. Who can say?
This wizard graciously invited the Orc general, Flaxis the Disembowler, to a bargaining session in the Frozen Hinterlands. But it now appears the Orc Nation never meant to negotiate in good faith! It is shocking our great and insightful wizard did not foresee this outcome until after the Orcs had slain (and, yes, disemboweled) an entire squadron of elite Pondorian archers.
Looking back, it's unclear why the fine citizens of Pondoria thought this particular wizard would be good at diplomacy. Maybe it was some loose association with his famous book, The Art of the Magic, which sits unread on many aspiring sorcerers' shelves. Or maybe we thought he would assume some greater dignity in taking the office of “Pondorian Wizard Most High.” In any case, the orcs have taken our peace offering as an insult. They're now catapulting severed heads over our walls with renewed enthusiasm.
We request your immediate aid. The time has come to make a stand against this Orc plague festering across our lands. Also, our backup plan of sending in the stupid wizard’s jackass friends has not improved relations.
Your Desperate Servant,
The Steward of Pondoria
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If they all sat around eating PO-TA-TOES, it might have gone differently.
Maybe if they threaten to deploy the Kaboomicus Maximus spell, that will scare them into submission. Alternatively, it can lead to Expelliarmageddon, so tread carefully.