White House Announces Tariff on True Love
Trump declares foreign romance a threat to emotional security
EXECUTIVE ORDER PROTECTING AMERICAN LOVE FROM FOREIGN EXPLOITATION
By the authority vested in me as President by the Constitution and the laws of the United States of America, it is hereby ordered as follows:
SECTION 1. Purpose.
Given the collaborative response to my announcement of tariffs on foreign movies among various idiots, the time has come to address an even more urgent threat. It has become clear that foreign interests are stealing America's most precious resource: true love.
Our once-great nation faces a catastrophic romance deficit—just look at the number of strong young American men obsessed with Japanese pornography or big booty Latinas. This order creates measures to protect American love and ensure fair trade in romantic relationships. AMERICA FIRST!
SECTION 2. Policy.
(a) The United States currently maintains a Love deficit with many countries, notably France, Italy, and other nations with superior accent production capabilities.
(b) This outsourcing of the Heart's True North weakens America's emotional security and reduces the available pool of affection for hardworking domestic suitors.
(c) Love, affection, yearning, lust, passion, and tenderness are now classified as vital national resources that must be protected.
SECTION 3. Tariff Implementation.
(a) A 125 percent tariff is now placed on all imported forms of amour, including but not limited to long-distance relationships, vacation flings, and 90 Day Fiancées.
(b) The Department of Homeland Security shall:
(i) Form a new Interpersonal Customs Enforcement (ICE) division to monitor untaxed foreign romance;
(ii) Develop new Arousal Detection Technology with funding previously earmarked for cancer prevention;
(iii) Establish an Affinity Processing Zone at the Southern border where all potential romantic feelings will be measured;
(iii) Create a tracking database of long-distance pen pals at risk of developing into Lovers Beyond Time.
SECTION 4. Exemptions.
The following may be exempt from true love tariffs:
(a) Romantic relationships that create at least twelve (12) American jobs;
(b) Amorous connections formed and maintained exclusively at Trump Organization properties;
(c) Certain big booty Latinas, at the discretion of the President.
SECTION 5. Enforcement.
Individuals caught smuggling love will face the following penalties:
(a) First-tier violations: Fines based on the depth of unregistered feelings;
(b) Second-tier violations: Reassignment of romantic interests to job-creating American industries (i.e. welders, yoga instructors);
(c) Third-tier violations: Placement on the Transportation Security Administration’s No Sex List;
(d) Severe violations: Mandatory viewing of romantic comedies featuring Katherine Heigl.
SECTION 6. General Provisions.
(a) Nothing in this order shall be construed to impair or otherwise affect the president’s authority to dictate who can love whom.
(b) This order is not intended to, and does not, create any right for foreign agents to steal American hearts.
(c) In the event these measures prove insufficient, the Department of Government Efficiency is authorized to deploy emergency government-issued girlfriends.
NOTICE: No big booty Latinas were harmed in the drafting of this executive order, though several have been detained for questioning.
One question. Regarding section 4, exemptions; the first exemption was for romantic relationships that created at least 12 American jobs. Does this exemption for 12 American jobs created include hand, blow or both types? Thank you.