So You Want to Live Near the Ocean
How to assimilate into beach town culture.
It’s no stretch to say that most people would prefer to live by the ocean. A coastal lifestyle has lots of perks: good weather, nice communities, plentiful access to ceviche. But the fact of the matter is that not everyone’s cut out for beach life. Moving to a small surfside town means you have to assimilate into their culture, which can be a difficult transition for us landlocked normals.
I spent the past weekend at a film festival in and around La Jolla, California, and after extensive observation, I’ve collected a few tips to help new beach-town residents fit in with their neighbors.
Wear beads
Bedecking yourself in beads is a key way to signal to other beach townies that you understand and respect their culture. For true immersion, your neck, wrists, and ankles should all feature beaded accessories whenever you’re in public. Choose larger beads for a stronger visual impact; ideally, your accessories should look like they were carved by an indigenous tribe of ping-pong ball manufacturers.
Own a weird vehicle
There’s one hard-and-fast rule of all beach communities: parking sucks. But luckily, your fellow beach residents have found ways around local transportation problems. Tricked-out golf carts, electric bikes with really thick tires, scooters with one huge wheel… Whatever your choice, it’s key that your mode of transport is equally capable of ignoring traffic laws and any basic sense of human dignity.
Protect the oceans
We must protect our beautiful oceans and the diverse array of life they foster. We all agree. But you agree more. 71% of the Earth’s surface is covered in ocean waters. Only 10% of ocean life has even been discovered. The whales are in trouble. These are the facts you must now bring up at every opportunity. Buy all your friends biodegradable sunglasses. If someone mentions microplastics, feel free to moan like Frankenstein on fire.
The good news is that no matter how annoying you get about any of this, no one can argue with you because it’s all true!
Talk about how rich other people are
If you live near the beach, you’re probably at least kind of rich. This is just a fact of densely populated coastal areas. And while wealth sometimes makes people uncomfortable, you can actually use this to your advantage! You can easily deflect attention from your own bank account by talking about someone else who has even more money.
Here’s an example: Yes, you have a nice house… but how about the guy up the hill with an even better view of miles of coastline? (He used to be in tech.) Or: Sure, you’re able to step out the door and be standing in the surf within 7 minutes… but half a mile down, there’s a private beach that only really rich people can access. (They were in medical tech.)
If anyone ever calls you out on this tactic, you can just talk about protecting the oceans.
Go hang-gliding or something
I don’t know! I’m out of ideas! I don’t live by the beach!
MORE FROM CHORTLE
Five Vacation Destinations to Escape Humanity
This is the perfect time to plan a vacation, but it can be hard to truly get away — so take a trip to one of these not-so-hot spots, where there’s no cell reception and you're unlikely to encounter the thing most likely to ruin your vacation… another human being.
Your Toddler's Travel Packing List
Somehow, traveling with a toddler didn’t make the list of various hells in Dante’s Inferno, but it’s up there among the more unpleasant experiences here on Earth—and it even comes complete with demonic screeches.
"ideally, your accessories should look like they were carved by an indigenous tribe of ping-pong ball manufacturers." Dying 🤣
i cackled at talking about how rich other people are. you heard me! i just needed to follow up via comment to close the loop.