Santa's Rejects: Reindeer Who Didn't Make the Cut

All of the OTHER other reindeer.

Photo by Kurt Weigel on Unsplash

We’re all familiar with the big kahunas of reindeer fame.

You have Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid, Donner and that absolute DILF Blitzen—each an icon with their own dynamic personality. And, of course, leading the pack? Rudolph, with his shiny schnoz.

But many folks don’t realize that Santa’s final sleigh squad was whittled down from a much larger pool of holiday hopefuls. In fact, an entire B-squad didn’t make the cut. Here, reported for the time ever, are some of the unlucky ungulates who didn’t get the job.

Gabber

In any pack she runs with, Gabber always brings up the rear—so she can talk trash behind everybody’s back. Gabber convinced half the North Pole that Rudolph got a nose job and she ratted out Mrs. Claus for having an emotional affair with the Heat Miser. Gabber is the drama. Keep her away from the eggnog.

Daemon

This little menace to society lives in his mom’s basement—or, as he calls it, “The Devil’s Attic.” Daemon frequents online conspiracy forums that believe Santa is an incarnation of Lucifer. Think about it: Santa wears red, can shape-shift, and the letters of his name rearrange to spell S-A-T-A-N. Daemon actually made some good points, but they were overshadowed when it was discovered that he also made a Vixen voodoo doll.

Splainer

Splainer just couldn’t stop telling Santa how to do his job. “Y’know, you can skip the whole chimney thing, bro. It’s called a front door; check it out sometime. Also, no self-respecting male should drink that much milk in a single evening.” According to Splainer, the alpha-on-alpha energy stressed out Santa’s “cucky little helpers,” so he got the shiny black boot.

Stoner

Stoner is the chillest reindeer you’ve never heard of—mainly because she forgot to show up to tryouts. (She knew she had something that day, she just couldn’t remember what.) Stoner has the magical power to breathe fire, but only uses it to cook Bagel Bites. She was ultimately caught smuggling gingerbread cookies out of Santa’s workshop and has a trial pending in Christmas Court.

Chaz Dean

Yes, that one. For non-Angelenos, let me explain: Chaz Dean is a beautiful-haired, odd-faced man of billboard fame. He looks kind of like if Shaving Fun Ken came to life and then got stung by bees. Not a ton of bees, though. Just like a mild anaphylaxis amount of bees. For reasons that are still unknown, Chaz styled his luscious locks in such a way that Santa didn’t even realize he was a human until the final round of reindeer eliminations. But Chaz did get hired to style Prancer (the gayest reindeer).

Wizzer

This reindeer is TikTok famous for peeing on different national monuments while bellowing his catchphrase, “MERRY PISSMAS!” He has a Jake Paul amount of followers and a Jake Paul amount of brain cells. Wizzer only wanted to be one of Santa’s reindeer so he could piss on the Great Pyramids on Christmas night for a collab with Red Bull. But his dreams of intercontinental incontinence were dashed when Santa realized he was there for the wrong reasons. Guys, I didn’t make this up because I ran out of ideas for more reindeer. I swear this actually happened.

Drop your own runner-up reindeer below!

---

Special thanks to Chortle’s newest paid subscribers: Sarah C. and Karen P.

It’s a tough time to be a writer—or really, anyone trying to make something creative. Thanks to our paid subscribers, we’re able to pay funny people like Rachel to deliver the kind of sharp, original humor that makes your inbox worth checking.

Upgrade today and support laughter!