Ranking All 7 Subway Restaurants In My Town

From the one in a gas station to the one my cousin used to work at

New writer alert! Adam Dietz is a comedy writer with work in McSweeney’s, Slackjaw, Points in Case, and more. He edits Yapjaw, a monthly newsletter.

7. The Always-Closed Subway

Despite being one of the newer locations in town, the always-closed Subway is one of the least successful. With homemade signs routinely scotch-taped to the door and a drive-thru menu reading “Closed for staffing issues,” who can honestly say what this place has to offer?

Thanks to the six competing Subways in the area, finding qualified workers was bound to be an issue. The fact that this town has a 10:1 ratio of sandwich artists to actual artists is a discussion for another day.

6. The New Subway

The newest subway in town is very modern, with its automatic bathroom faucets and unscuffed tile flooring. But alongside these amenities comes a staff that hasn’t quite gotten its sea legs yet.

Not to be rude, but how does one leave meatballs off a meatball sub? Why is the “fresh baked bread” never actually fresh? In time, these problems could work themselves out, but for now, the new Subway is a “stay away” for me.

5. The Subway That My Cousin Used To Work At

This Subway is the very definition of average. If I’m in the area, I’ll stop in. But since my cousin stopped working there, I don’t have as much of a reason to go.

Essentially, what happened was that my cousin wanted the 4th of July off, which is reasonable. The only problem was that he requested it off on the 3rd of July, which is just plain bad business. My opinion of this Subway is a lot like my cousin’s attitude toward work: indifferent.

4. The Subway That Used To Be A Long John Silver’s

There is a certain charm in the Subway that used to be a Long John Silver’s because they made so few cosmetic changes before switching chains. The most prominent reminder is a massive mural of an old sea fisherman that never got painted over.

But beyond the kitsch, this Subway piles on the meat and veggies, much to my stomach’s chagrin. That’s why whenever I try to squeeze into an old pair of jeans after I've eaten there, I shout “Batten down the hatches!” as an ode to Long John Silver.

3. The Sunoco Gas Station With A Subway

Fast-food-gas-station combo spots get a bad rap. Long gone are the days of full-service gas stations where you get your gas pumped and your windows washed by a friendly fella in coveralls. These days, you have to take your convenience where you can get it, which for many of us is grabbing a Subway Club on 9-Grain Wheat as we pump our Ford F-150s.

While it might not be the nicest restaurant on this list, the Suncoco Subway is the only location where you can buy a phone charger and The Whole Nine Yards on DVD.

2. The Subway That Always Smells Like Fresh Laundry

The very reason that everyone loves this Subway—the fact that the interior smells like freshly laundered clothes—is also why everyone hates the dry cleaner that shares its ventilation system.

1. The “UBWA” Subway

The UBWA subway got its name because the “S” and “Y” bulbs burnt out on the neon signage, and no one ever replaced them. As the first Subway in town, this place is viewed as an institution. There wouldn't be six other Subway locations here had this one never opened. Sometimes, when I stop in for a bite, it feels like I am touring Abraham Lincoln’s boyhood home (or another place of equal historical significance).

Oh, and they use a homemade chipotle sauce that is just plain delicious.

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Shouts

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