How to Celebrate Unelected Appreciation Day

I've invented a new holiday.

A person who is not and has never been the president. (Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash)

On the heels of Valentine’s Day comes yet another holiday that broken-hearted Americans don’t feel like celebrating: Presidents’ Day.

Technically, the U.S. government recognizes today as George Washington’s Birthday, presumably to avoid officially acknowledging the cruel and terrible reign of Millard Fillmore. But I was always taught that the holiday is a more general salute to American leadership—which turns out be a problem when the American leader is an unrepentant shithead.

Beyond that, let’s be real: presidents get celebrated extremely frequently. They get honorary doctorates and buildings named after them and sometimes they even get a real Nobel Prize! Heck, the current president gets celebrated in the middle of hearings about whether or not he’s a child molester. I really don’t think they need a federal holiday on top of it all.

So, in the spirit of holiday counter-programming like Hannukkah, Indigenous Peoples’ Day, and Farbor Day (working title I have for a holiday where you set trees on fire), I’m declaring this to be the first annual Unelected Appreciation Day.

Here are some ways to celebrate…

High five an unelected person

There’s a person who hasn’t been elected president almost everywhere you turn. Give one a high five! Tell them “good job!” In all likelihood, their hand has never signed an order to bomb innocent people, and that’s a victory in itself.

Boo a local sports team

Presidential candidates have to pretend they like the sports teams everywhere they go. It’s one of the easiest ways to pander to locals, so these executive aspirants don’t have the personal freedom to say, for example, “Fuck the Iowa Hawkeyes.” But you do! Your casual interests have no electoral consequence!

Make a card featuring your favorite failed presidential candidate

Rick Santorum! Marianne Williamson! Herman Cain! Ultimately, these people came nowhere close to achieving the U.S. presidency—and for that, they should be celebrated. Think of how much damage was avoided because of their respective unelectability.

Watch Avatar 3

It’s a safe bet that no president (current or former) has had 195 minutes to sit down with the third installment of James Cameron’s tale of the Na’vi. There’s just not enough time for this sort of epic saga when you have a government to run and so many other governments to undermine. To be honest, I also haven’t had time to catch this movie yet, but I’m looking forward to carving out an afternoon of non-presidenting and escaping to Pandora soon.

Go an entire day without lying to hundreds of millions of people

Telling broad lies is essentially an everyday job requirement for U.S. presidents, much in the same way that sideline reporters are required to ask basketball players, “What was going through your head out there?” But thankfully, for most of us it’s actually physically impossible to lie to that many people at once. In fact, the sheer scale almost makes lying to one person feel like a victimless crime.

Use the metric system

No president ever has the guts.

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Shoutouts!

We have three new paid subscribers to shout out today: Polly B., Glenn H., and Tommy S. Thanks so much for putting a bit of cash towards Chortle, folks! It helps me keep the lights on both figuratively and literally. (I light my house by burning dollar bills.)

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