Pre-Approved High School Reunion Questions
A Field Guide to Human Decency in Gymnasium Settings
Summer is high school reunion season—which means it’s time to gather with people you haven’t seen in fifteen years and destroy each other’s self-esteem with poorly chosen small talk.
There’s something about revisiting adolescence that immediately reduces our emotional intelligence to that of wet cement. So if you're attending a reunion this summer, please use this approved list of questions instead of whatever garbage was about to come out of your mouth.
Instead of: Are you still working on the music thing?
Please ask: I remember your flawless rendition of “Suddenly Seymour” from when our high school did Little Shop of Horrors in 2009. Could you sing it for me now, please?
Instead of: Still in LA? But it’s so expensive!
Please ask: What kind of relationship do you have with your neighborhood barista? What nice things would they say about you if asked?
Instead of: Do you still talk to Peter?
Please ask: Would you like a cheese cube?
Instead of: How’d the college basketball thing pan out?
Please ask: How have you managed to keep the parts of you that I remember loving and update them perfectly to fit adulthood?
Instead of: How’s your family pet, who would be 23 by now?
Please ask: Which of our hot teachers do you think has aged the best?
Instead of: Who do you still see from high school?
Please ask: Would you like to leave now while I distract the person you forgot about?
Instead of: Haha, remember your first guttural experience of shame that I was present for?
Please ask: Do you recall this moment that I sometimes think of, in which you behaved admirably in a way that I will remember for the rest of my life?
Instead of: Would you like to see these photos from your youth?
Please ask: Would you like some wine?
Instead of: Didn’t you used to be a redhead?
Please ask: How do you think you got even more beautiful with each passing day?
Instead of: Are you gonna come to the bar after?
Please ask: Would you like some shrimp in a discreet to-go box?
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COVID killed my high school reunion. Alums had this huge event planned - 2020, class of 1970, 50 years - which wound up getting bumped back a year and then pretty much fizzled out completely. They were going to have dinner and go watch the football team play and go dancing and bar-hopping. Really make a weekend of it. I was even going to go, or at least drop by the bar where they’d be and see if there was anyone who recognized me. Oh well. Missed all the others, might as well miss this one too, I guess. I didn’t like most of them anyway.