Our Holiday GRIFT Guide Returns!
New year, new grifts.
The holidays are here, and you know what that means: it’s time to find something special for everyone on your list! But why give a them present when you could give a life-changing opportunity?
This year, we’re once again forgoing a traditional “gift guide” in favor of a spotlight on the hottest GRIFTS of 2025—because nothing says “I care” like helping a loved one achieve financial prosperity via moral bankruptcy. From tech geeks to movie lovers, there’s a grift for every personality type these days. So let’s dive into our specially curated selection of scams, swindles, and shakedowns that are sure to delight this Christmas season!
Grift for Movie Fans
Calling all cinephiles! There’s only one grift for the serious film fan this year: destroying a legacy movie studio. It’s easy to do (the industry is dying anyway 😅) and you can use its valuable IP to mask your failings elsewhere, or simply merge it into oblivion. Either way, you’ll get to fire thousands of people, cancel countless beloved projects, and continually raise prices until you get a $50 million bonus. And the best part? You’ll probably get to meet The Rock!
Grift for Techies
Want to impress the geeks in your life? You can now slap a “Powered by AI” label onto literally any product and watch your Series A funding roll in. It doesn’t even matter if your AI-enabled CPR app is only 33% accurate—that’s a passing grade in this field! And if you’re worried about what happens if you cash in right before the AI bubble pops, just ask ChatGPT what happened to the guys from Enron 😄.
Grift for the Person Who Has Everything
Stumped on what to get for that special someone who literally has everything? When it comes to shopping for the richest man in the world, that problem becomes 1 trillion times tougher! Luckily, there’s one thing that all pornographically wealthy psychopaths want: the destruction of the federal government. It may seem like eons ago, but DOGE was this year’s first hot grift—and such an arrangement can be yours for just $290 million. Ketamine addiction not included!
Grift for Centrists
For the wonk in your life who’s feeling left out of the Left versus Right political discourse, we can’t recommend the Abundance Agenda enough. Finally, a political philosophy that confirms everything you already believe! This revolutionary ideology requires zero examination of your own consumption habits or any existing power structures, and it’s supported by a who’s-who of America’s least inspiring politicians. Bonus: You don’t actually have to read the book because no one else has.
Grift for the Criminally-Inclined
For that friend who’s always bending the rules, this season’s must-have is absolutely a Presidential pardon. But penny-pinchers be warned: a Get Out of Jail Free card now costs $2 billion. (That’s inflation for you.) The good news is that the pardon market is booming; there hasn’t been this much forgiveness available for purchase since the Catholic Church ran the world. Contact the White House directly for package deals!
You can give the gift of Chortle!
Just a reminder that you can share my own personal grift with anyone you choose this holiday season…
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