Our Escape Room Is a Little Different

You'll need considerable strength and violent instincts.

New writer alert! Keith James has been published in McSweeney's, Bleacher Report, and other comedy outlets. He has two books, Community Pool and Greg Maxwell's Inferno, from Humorist Books.

Hey guys, is your whole group back from the bathroom? Good.

I want to get right to it: this escape room is different than other escape rooms. The ones you’re probably used to require simple problem-solving skills and mild physical movement. Ours is not like that. It will never be like that.

This room, and all the other rooms here, requires every bit of strength you have. Successfully completing the puzzles will feel like Loss. At the end, you will know that something has been taken from you. Even in your greatest triumphs, your first thought will be “At what cost?”

There are locks—I won't tell you which ones—that do not have keys. They do not have codes. You must pull these locks apart with your bare hands.

The paintings on the wall do move, and I encourage you to move them. They will not seem like they move, though. To move them, you have to harness a level of physical and mental fortitude that is guaranteed to bring madness upon you.

The specific escape room you are tackling today is tricky. We call it “The Heist.” You will have one hour to steal the Book Of Secrets from a local pawn shop. Why? We don’t know why. Sometimes keeping a stone unturned is more interesting than turning it.

At the 45th minute, a character called the Pawn Shop Owner will come back early from his lunch break. He will be surprised that you are in his pawn shop. When he sees that you are trying to steal the Book Of Secrets, he will become enraged.

This part is important, so pay attention: the Pawn Shop Owner used to train in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu before he hurt his leg. Now, he is an alcoholic. But he remembers all of the Jiu-Jitsu.

The Pawn Shop Owner will attack you. You are on his property. Legally, he is within his rights to kill you. Can you and your seven friends from work kill the Pawn Shop Owner before he kills you?

To be clear, your objective is still to steal the Book Of Secrets and escape the room. But to do this, you will have to defeat the Pawn Shop Owner. And the only way defeat him is to kill him.

One last bit of housekeeping: when the Pawn Shop Owner arrives, I will not be able to give you any extra hints. During that time, I will be the Pawn Shop Owner, and I will be trying to kill you. In real life, I am an alcoholic with a hurt leg. You all seem smart—I bet you can guess one more fact about me. When I come in, your priorities will shift drastically. I don’t want to tell you how to manage your time (a couple of you said you have done escape rooms before), but all eight of you will be needed to kill me.

Sound good? Who wants to hold the walkie-talkie? Perfect.

I’m going to let you into the room now. If you want a hint and I don’t respond right away, just ask again. I’ll probably be preparing myself for combat, so I will be thinking about some personally upsetting stuff.

Okey dokey! If I don’t hear from you, I’ll see you in about 45 minutes.

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