OPINION: Replace Stephen Colbert with Stephen Colbert
Plotting CBS's next shrewd move.
Luke Herzog is a Brooklyn-based comedy writer and playwright who has also contributed to McSweeney's, Points in Case, and Slackjaw.
“Given Paramount’s recent capitulation to President Trump in the CBS News lawsuit, the Writers Guild of America has significant concerns that The Late Show’s cancelation is a bribe, sacrificing free speech to curry favor with the Trump Administration as the company looks for merger approval.” – Writers Guild of America
Esteemed Paramount Global executives,
Firstly, please pat yourselves on the back for your recent shakeup of CBS. The cancellation of your Emmy-nominated, top-of-the-ratings late-night franchise represents a key step toward finalizing a glorious merger with Skydance. Deftly executed all around!
But why stop there? You got the president’s attention with the 60 Minutes settlement, buttered him up by axing The Late Show, and now it’s time to seal the deal. I say it’s time to hammer home your newfound deference to the Trump administration. With that in mind, I offer a bold proposal.
Exchange your divisive liberal talk show host, Stephen Colbert, for an unemployed conservative firebrand… Stephen Colbert.
Now, I know CBS has already announced that Colbert will not be replaced. But hear me out. If the 2024 election proved anything, it’s that everybody likes a comeback. Moreover, the old host of The Colbert Report has been out of work for over a decade now, so he should be ready and raring to go. He’s been waiting in the wings (a bald eagle’s wings), presumably shadowboxing posters of AOC and Amanda Gorman while scarfing down pints of Ben & Jerry’s Americone Dream.
Impress the powers that be by installing a true ally of the conservative movement in The Late Show’s time slot. We need a maverick who understands that free speech is paramount (just not free speech at Paramount). We also need an effective counterweight to the overreliance on facts over at 60 Minutes. And if you need another reason, nothing would piss off Stephen Colbert more than hiring Stephen Colbert.
Right now, detractors are labeling your network as utterly gutless. Not true! You’re simply Gutfeld-less—according to the president, who posted, “I absolutely love that Colbert got fired. His talent was even less than his ratings. I hear Jimmy Kimmel is next. Has even less talent than Colbert! Greg Gutfeld is better than all of them combined.” And who better to hire after this Gut-check than the original right-wing late-night host?
The road ahead is clear: Ditch Colbert, then pitch Colbert. Sure, he might not quite reach the rhetorical heights or razor-sharp comedic stylings of Greg Gutfeld, but he’s the only pundit who possesses the moral fiber to never allow his opinions to waver, even in the face of new information. In other words, he’s all gut.
Paramount, you’ve already chosen to Skydance with the devil. Stephen Colbert might be out of practice, but he remains the devil’s greatest advocate. And this last step in presidential appeasement will certainly be worth it when you finally acquire the film rights to Jack Reacher.
That might not be strictly true, but it has a certain truthiness, doesn’t it?
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There's a very obvious, natural successor replacement- Mel Gibson. The Late Show with Mel!
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