The Judge Who Sucked and Fucked

A picture book written for Neil Gorsuch

Supreme Court Justice Neil Gorsuch made news recently while hearing a case that challenged a Maryland school district’s use of children’s books with LGBTQ characters. Gorsuch characterized one of the books in question, Pride Puppy, as “the one where [students] are supposed to look for the leather and things—and bondage? Things like that, right? A sex worker? Sex worker, right?” After the school district’s lawyer pointed out that Gorsuch’s description was ludicrously untrue, Gorsuch responded, “No? I thought—gosh—I read it!”

In reality, Pride Puppy is a book about a lost dog at a gay pride parade, and the family who finds it after first encountering various letters of the alphabet. Court observers noted it was strange for Gorsuch to be so confused about the contents of a picture book, making it seem like he was either being willfully obtuse or hadn’t actually read the book like he claimed.

But I think there’s a third possibility! Justice Gorsuch has demonstrated himself to be deeply stupid in previous rulings, so it seems perfectly reasonable that he’s also unable to grasp a book written for two-year-olds. If that’s the case, he probably just needs someone to explain very clearly to him the difference between sex workers and the alphabet. So I decided to write him another children’s book on this exact topic.

Hopefully, reading this will keep Neil Gorsuch and his fellow judges from getting so gosh-darned confused in the future!

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The Judge Who Sucked And Fucked

There once was a judge named Neil, who was part of the most supreme court in the whole world. But Neil had a secret: he did not know what sex was.

Neil read many books to try to understand, but they were sooooo confusing. Some books were about the alphabet, but some were about bondage—and he couldn’t tell them apart!

One day, a new case came before the court. Neil thought the case was about a sex book, but the lawyers said it was actually about an alphabet book.

“No? I thought—gosh—I read it!” Neil said. He was very embarrassed.

That night, Neil went to his local library to figure out once and for all what was “sex” and what was “the alphabet.”

Neil was surprised to find his friends Samuel and Clarence were already inside! Fun!

The three judges asked some librarians to teach them all about bondage and drag queens and sex work. (Surprisingly, the alphabet did not come up.)

It was hard work, but soon the judges learned to suck and fuck.

They liked it so much, they resigned from the Supreme Court to spend the rest of their days as quiet perverts. And the rest of America lived happily ever after.

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