My Kid Has Bubonic Plague, But Is Still Excited for Today’s Playdate!
Is it okay if I drop them off in 15 minutes?
New writer alert! lives in NYC at the intersection of rage and laughter. She is a satire writer, improv performer, and middle-ager who’s been featured in McSweeney’s, Insider, and one nice Canadian newspaper. See more of her work at .
Good morning! I just wanted to update you that my daughter’s high fever and chills have finally subsided, so it turns out she only has a minor case of bubonic plague. What time should I drop her off for the playdate?
She really needs to spend quality time with a kid her age, not just me and Hank, the rat she befriended this summer. Hank had been living under my daughter’s bed in a nest of wood shavings and pizza crusts, unbeknownst to me (mainly because I’ve been wearing my noise-cancelling headphones since the first day of summer break).
I know, I know, don’t judge! Pizza for dinner every night is all I could muster.
FYI: During the playdate, she may complain about pain in her abdomen and limbs. So I’d suggest no physical activities like soccer, basketball, riding bikes, climbing, swinging on monkey bars, walking, or moving. Anything sitting still in a chair would be perfect.
Don’t worry, she’s exhausted from doing a ton of kid stuff this summer anyway. And exhaustion is also a side effect of the medication she’s taking to stop the hard-boiled egg-sized lymph nodes in her neck from leaking pus.
OMG don’t worry, though! According to my Reddit research, person-to-person spread of the bubonic plague is highly unlikely unless it turns into the pneumonic plague, which is the extra-gross form that spreads through air droplets. And listen, I’ve been with my child EVERY SECOND this summer, but even though she’s been coughing up blood for weeks, I’m fit as a fiddle. (Another reason why my daughter is stoked for this playdate: I won’t be there!)
Just in case it is that other icky plague, I’ll also drop off her homemade hazmat suit. I’ll remind my daughter to keep her gloves on, as she is super self-conscious about the blackened tissue on her fingers. Do you think you’ll serve snacks, by the way? Nevermind—I’ll feed her before drop-off, and I’ll chisel a sipping hole in her face shield in case the girls get thirsty.
Oh, and even though I’m 86% sure it’s not that contagious, it’s probably best to keep your cat locked in the basement in the rare case that it transmits from humans to animals.
Honestly, you could even keep my kid outside. They can play UNO through a window.
Anyway, thanks again for giving me a break. You’re a lifesaver!
MORE FROM CHORTLE
An Itemized Guide To Youth Soccer Fees
Dear Parents, We’ve had a lot of complaints that the fees needed for your daughter to be a member of this year’s Borussia Glen Point SC team are “exorbitant,” “excessive,” and “more than I paid for college.” We assure you that, although the team currently sports a record of 2 wins, 3 draws, and 5 losses, your financial contributions are crucial to establishing a winning culture among our players.
Upcoming albums recorded by my toddler
My son has been screaming A LOT lately. At first, I thought it was the so-called “terrible twos,” which I now understand refers to the two minutes per day in which he’s not being a tiny little monster. But I also couldn’t help feeling there was something more at play here.
Thanks for publishing this!
"The fever, chills, coughing blood, leaking pus, and blackened fingers are all fine! I just have to ask one question-- what are your daughter's thoughts on Charlie Kirk?"